Rule number one of asking or doing anything sexual with your partner is: once you say/do it you cannot take it back.
Rule number two: you cannot, no matter how hard you try to explain it, determine how they will feel/think or how this might change how they view you.
It is a difficult thing to share a fantasy or desire with someone, because we know it can go either of two ways: they can be willing to talk about it, maybe even accept or try it, but also there is the knowledge they can be repulsed by the discussion and we might become repulsive to them.
The worst kind of partner to have around, and I don’t care if you are kinky or trying to introduce a new sexual position, is one that cannot move on from the discussion let alone have it. It is great to think we should all have a partner we can talk too about anything but the truth is there are just something that don’t need to be talked about. There are people that cannot let things go and they bring it up as a weapon in an argument, with accusations or just in a way to humiliate us with our own desires.
Doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman, some people will bring up that one thing you confided in them and that is evidence it has changed everything. I have seen both sexes do it – and it makes me cringe. What I know from firsthand experience is this: I didn’t do anything right by having the partners I did, it was pure luck that I found people who loved me, that understood and chose to work with my sexual desires, including sex with others, kink and never made me feel bad for any of them.
The other thing I know is that it is hard for men in particular to discuss certain fantasies with a partner, whom they love and respect; about certain sexual activities in which they wish to participate. I am not excusing no one when I say this but we need not wonder why the internet plays such a big role in fantasy facilitation: you can call a strange woman miles away a whore while you jerk off at the thought of doing horrible things to her, none of which you would ever think of trying with your wife.
The horrible truth is, just because a particular kind of porn, or something specific gets us excited, and we think about something doesn’t mean we want to do it and a partner can have a hard time coming to terms with that: why are you watching THAT kind of porn, do little kittens turn you on?! The truth about fantasy is that the reality rarely lives up to its hype, so one should think hard before sharing it.
SML and I were talking the other day and he brought up the desire to have me pee on him. He was of course nervous to even mention it, because he has asked other women of his acquaintance before if they would try and all seemed less than impressed with the request. Women can internalize things ‘what does that say about me that he asked’ or ‘did he really think I am that kind of a woman’ but some people just seem to forget we are just searching out a partner in crime. It then it can turn outward ‘he is just a perverted freak for even finding that appealing’
Peeing on someone does nothing for me, I have done it, I pee standing up in the shower anyhow, it doesn’t turn me on to do it but it does please me to be able to make someone’s wishes come true. I can work with that, it’s just pee, so yeah I will piss on SML in the shower but these conversations often reveal more – when sharing something personal we tend to start off small, what we think is less offensive or shocking but sometimes with an opening that seems acceptable we can take things right over an invisible edge. He asked if he could piss on my tits to which my answer is no.
Why would I pee on someone and not let them pee on me? Again it does nothing for me, second I am fine with doing shit to people that I do not want to have done to me – I am a classically trained Dominatrix in medical kink, I wouldn’t let just anyone do something to me! No fucking way. If I don’t like something I don’t do it, even if it appears that I have a double standard: which it is not. I am not saying its wrong or that people shouldn’t do it – it is just not my thing.
Doesn’t bother me he asked, actually I think it’s great he did. It has nothing do to with how he sees me, or being married, or being poly – yeah just because I fuck other men doesn’t mean I am without limits and he knows this. He is privy to a lot of my sexual past which I have never hidden and the progression from wanting to be pissed on to wanting to piss on me seemed perfectly normal in his request.
I am going to tell you something I have never before written down, and I have been a B.D.S.M blogger for over 20 years: I hate to put on a strap on and fuck a man. I have only done it a few times and do not enjoy it. Why? Even in service, though I never fuck what I beat, I always found the power in submission from men to be the fact they remain a masculine human being. I am not saying taking it up the ass makes a guy weak – I don’t care about that, I think it is great when a man can find someone to do that with him – but my brain cannot go from what I did to him and still see him the same way afterwards. For me the one act melts into the others and there are some things I have a hard time separating the two from each other.
So you see, my gut fear is that SML is going to ask me to do this, and I am not going to feel the same way after he does. I feel as though I would be doing us all a favour by heading it off with a nice chat about kink – what I am willing and not willing to do but then I would or could be denying him something he obviously likes most about me: his ability to talk about stuff.
I know this about myself so I am always very careful about what I ask of whom and what I am willing to work with. My husband can respect this enough about me, to sometimes give me a heads up about something he is going to say – if I do say ‘I am going to ask you to stop right there I don’t want to hear this’ he often will but other times he has said ‘you need to hear this and you are going to have to find a way to handle it’ but even with the caveat it doesn’t work.
What I enjoy about all this sex talk and kink stuff is that over the years working with others people’s kinky sides, fantasies, desires and even just talking with them about it is that it has allowed me to be very specific about my sexuality: their sexuality has helped define my own. I know more about myself and appreciate it when someone can challenge me but I am less prone to knee jerk reactions or judgmental sentiment when it comes to sex because I look at myself first when I do have them.