It is important for me to remind myself that though I am polyamorous, my partner and PC are not. I have a tendency when things are move move moving along well to just let them be. I am not a big fan of the ‘relationship’ talks or dwelling on things in general – but my marriage and my husband are important to me so today I chose to check in with him: the timing being important, we are not arguing (we rarely do) I am not upset, he is not upset nor are we stressed about anything else at the moment. We were having coffee –
I explained that I can forget to ask because I am used to this arrangement, for me it is second nature, but I feel a sense of responsibility to them both to ensure that they are okay and that I was only doing so because I love him. “so far, how things have been managed and playing out with PC, is this arrangement working for you – are you okay with it and do you have any concerns or questions you might want answered or something to change. Is anything making you uncomfortable?” I asked.
** It is important, for me, to sit patiently and listen: without interruption. I made sure that we had time to talk about this, it could have been a 15 minute conversation or not, but I allow for more time because it matters to me what he is feeling and thinking so it isn’t something I brought up as he was walking out the door.
Synopsis of his response and a two hour conversation on the subject: His main concern is always going to be my safety, even if I was here alone and not going out with someone else, so he made it very clear that he trusts PC to also have my wellbeing in mind. My husband feels that if something were to happen to me, they both would be in the car driving towards a common purpose. I have no idea what situation that would be, but this is how my husband expresses himself. He feels that PC and him are equally aware and have the same concerns in my regard. They are both behaving in a way that doesn’t find me being pulled in opposite directions.
He feels they are both well aware of each other: I didn’t ask for clarification on this because it is very much a guy to guy thing to say but I accept it to be valid and PC is going to know exactly what this means.
He was equally interested to know, and have PC know, that PC should not be uncomfortable with him or his relationship with me: my husband is not walking on egg shells and he doesn’t want PC to be walking on them either. My husband wants PC to feel confident that he, my husband, has not been misled – he was not talked into this, nor is he taking part in this against his will and he wasn’t blindsided by PC. My husband actually likes the guy, and this is an unusual situation, my husband wants PC to be reassured that what transpires stays between us three: my husband feels that PC deserves the same respect and privacy we want.
** Yes I write this blog, they are both aware I write.
My husband then said ‘that we three, these relationships (me/pc and then me/him), are very much able to withstand a few mistakes’ and I think that is a very big testimonial to how things are going. Mistakes do happen and what this means to me is that he is prepared, within reason, for a few hiccups and is secure enough to talk about them should and when they arise: sometimes a hiccup can bring things to a halt. I think this also says something about PC as well and his confidence in him. He did spend some time, in detail, trying to ensure that I make PC know that he (PC) is in no way causing us (a married couple/my husband) any issues/harm – that the relationship PC and I have, is its own thing, yes it is sexual and emotional but it is in no way intruding on my marriage: my husband feels he has not be denied anything, including sex, or that I am pre-occupied with PC, our marriage and home is still in order and he is relieved to come home and find it that way. He is also confident that PC is in good standing medically and that I am in no danger in that regard: PC is not just out collecting notches on his bed post and screwing everything in sight.
My husband also stated that, given my predisposition to behave as though I am bullet proof because I am not, spontaneity, and general thrill seeking tendencies – he is more trusting of PC to hold the reins then he is of me to hold them myself: I like knowing that when you go out, you are with him and he is there. That I could be a danger to myself, because he is not always comfortable with my ability/tendencies and experiences of facing danger and running into a burning building, that PC in his own way can handle this as well: he feels that PC would take no hostages as my husband would take no hostages when it comes to my safety even against myself. He feels PC is fully capable of saying no to me and isn’t being led around by his dick.
**Certainly I wanted to object, but I respect his thoughts and this is how he feels, I can’t argue with that! This is just how my husband expresses his respect for someone.
On the issue of respect, he feels that PC has not, does not disrespect him, our home, our marriage or me. My husband feels the utmost respect for PC, and tips his hat towards him in that he knows PC has a good deal going, he is not about to fuck it up by being an asshat but he isn’t that sort of guy anyhow. That if my husband had to go out and pick a guy, PC would be it – and that if something should happen to my husband PC would be a resource to me in a time of need.
He does not feel that I am looking for the next big thing, nor does he fell that PC is trying to take something of his: my husband believes he has a great thing with me, and he is being generous in sharing some of that with PC, PC is deserving of it, that we as a couple and individuals have a predisposition to ‘working outside the norm’ and that this arrangement is exactly what he thinks should take place. Of course he made it very clear that PC is the one guy, and the only exception to the rules: that no other man has his trust, has this liberty or complimented thus and it is a fucking compliment. He wants PC to feel comfortable, at home and at ease with me and us: he is welcome here any time under any circumstance.
He also made it clear that he is not about to fuck me stupid with PC (no threesome), it just isn’t that sort of arrangement, that PC and I have what we have and my husband is good with it: My husband does not want me to feel that my sexuality is being held hostage, that because I am a scary intelligent person who has some experience with this, I was, we as a couple were, well worth the attempt and so far he has no complaints. None. His only concern was that PC feel okay with all this too, no other concerns were voiced.
So I feel good about my checking in, it is something I plan to do with PC as well when the time is right to make sure he is comfortable and listen to his concerns – also to let him know I have talked to my husband and this is what he said. I prefer to have these talks face to face. I kissed my husband, thanked him for talking with me and told him that I loved him; it was after all why I cared to ask.
** I was prepared for concerns, just because this conversation went well does not mean I knew it was going too. I went in to it prepared to make changes, listen to him carefully and ready to hear something I might not want too: including that it isn’t working for him and he wants it to stop.