Am I a flawed feminist because I am not a slut?

477432.7697.big.gifI am not careless with my sexuality (or sexual language) and that is what a slut is – it means you do not exercise power of discernment. I do not believe that simply saying the word slut is empowering makes it so – regardless of what books like Ethical Slut say about the courage it takes to be a slut. Being poly doesn’t make me a slut, having sex with more than one man or woman at a time does not make me dirty; it takes grace to do those things and not demean yourself as a slut. Some woman wants to sell a book or idea they can use whatever language they want to appeal to its readers but it doesn’t change the paradigm: the word slut is disparaging. I don’t think there is a way of taking it back (whatever that fucking means) or it is ever going to be universally accepted as something positive. The world needs whores and sluts, how else would we distinguish ourselves from them and make ourselves feel better, more valuable, and more… sexually righteous; because I am certainly not a slut like she is, she is a slut and that one over there is a dirty whore!

I have never had a man call me a slut to my face, usually I only hear this term from other women in regards to other pussy owners: how empowering of us, thanks Mom. The word is meant to insult and try as they might feminist and all its many factions will never agree on how to tackle this powerful four letter word.

Babyslutbucket– whatever cute little ways women want to cleverly use words to describe their sexual selves or accept from their lovers as terms of endearment are well within their right to do so- slut it up! I do understand women who derive some sort of sexual arousal from being demeaned sexually, hell I see them do it to themselves without aid from anyone else, man or woman,  but these words are demeaning and there is no way around that.

I will forever be baffled as to why a woman would refer to themselves thus; their slutty hooker boots, my slutty dress, and their sexual actions and fantasies as whorish ‘I can’t help it im such a whore’ – but with caveats that only my master, my man,  can call me these things, I can call attention to my slutty whoreish behavior but you can’t, and because I call myself a slut doesn’t make me one.

Seriously?!?!?!?!?! What the fuck!

If he was to treat you like the whore you think you are taking back, you would find a pocket lint mint and a few bucks on the nightstand when you woke up in a cock roach infested motel room. You would certainly not be seeking affirmation the next day: a whore knows her place she takes the dirty mint and goes home. Being a slut is not about respecting you the next morning. Whores and sluts get a certain amount of business as usual admiration from men who use their services: once he is done the whole thing is over, everyone gets dressed and goes on their merry way. He certainly doesn’t have to council her for three hours after the fact and tell her he loves her.

Whore and slut have a tone of ownership to it don’t they: a man who runs whores, a master that uses his sluts. I guess I could never get down with the idea that anything I was born with, especially my cunt, my sexuality would be entrusted to a man let alone defined by one.  I guess I might be far more accepting of calling men on their behaviour than changing mine to suit them.

I guess I should apologize that I never bought in to the whole idea that we ovulators could reclaim this historical insult (Middle English slutte) and make it empowering – it’s no one’s fault, I am a product of second wave feminism and feel as though we ladies cannot have it both ways. If I call you a whore, I mean it as an insult, and you will take it as an insult I assure you.  There is no way men are going to go about the world trying to proclaim cheater as something to be proud of, that doing so is their right to sexual empowerment and a choice within their marriage if they deem sex lacking at home because we ladies would never accept it as such because the word is spoken with such veracious judgment: cheaters are seen as bad men and whores/sluts are no different.

Can pimps and handlers be pro woman – feministers? Doubtful.

Don’t get me wrong, I want hookers to have legal rights and protection to operate in a capitalist society to achieve economic gains, hell I would see it as a the socially responsible thing to do by making the transaction safer for all those involved. I would help unionize them: Whore Local 763 – but that doesn’t mean I do not see huge flaws in the argument that prostitution is empowering to all women involved. I go to strip clubs and still have not met a one that is empowered by giving boobies shakes for a buck. Worst of all, I see them, what they do, differently than I see myself, simply by the fact I am going to go hungry before I twirl around a dirty pole. I am not saying I haven’t had sex on the first date after a steak dinner and a movie, which is its own transaction, but whores come with a guarantee and I never did: I decide when I’m going to be an easy lay. Whores and sluts are a for-sure bet – you know they are going to go.

I took charge of my sexuality long before I became sexually active. In doing so acknowledge that the word slut and whore were not terms of affection I was going to accept from a lover – especially from some guy who wants to put his cock in my ass. I was however going to have sex, lots of it, unapologetically, and potentially offensive sex to boot. If a guy thought of me as a slut I would have seen it as a failure on my part to choose a sexual partner that could appreciate it was my choice to allow him access: does he see all women who enjoy sex as much as he does sluts? I place a value all my holes and by allowing them access valued them. It was my idea, and I didn’t need to use being a slut as an excuse to do it: im a slut of course I had sex with him. I own it upfront by saying ‘hell yes I fucked him’

There is no way someone is going to justify categorizing me a slut because I enjoy sex and rest assured you will never hear me call myself, what I do sexually or what I wear as slutty, sluttish – I would never disregard my sexuality that way. I am empowered by knowing what I do sexually is through careful consideration with an end goal to my pleasure, I own my actions under no banner or slogan, no pressure, no regret and without excuse and will do so regardless of disapproving social customs let alone those of men and other women: if they want to call me a slut, it is meant as offensive, and I consider it as such.

I suck as a feminist but at least I’m not a whore.

Pyx rant from 2001

9 comments on “Am I a flawed feminist because I am not a slut?

  1. Pyx, I’m sticking with you woman! Thank you for posting this “rant”. Several “ah-ha” moments bursting forth here as I reflect on past thoughts and actions. Doing things I’m not proud of later then thinking, that’s just me, I’m a slut. But I am not, I love sexual gratification and before marriage I found it was an easy way to connect with other humans without fear that they won’t like me for my thoughts and feelings.

    Now I fight the feeling I am a possession being shared by my husband, so much that I make choices I would never blog about (like cheating on him or having emotional affairs) because I just need to feel some control over my sex, which was the only thing I ever really felt control over before (even though I shared myself a little recklessly before).

    Ahh, I feel a little stronger. Thank you!

    • Control, dammit, I have none and I dont know how to regain it without ugly fights.

      • Pyx says:

        I manage it with a scary cool polite etiquette: I once had a professor come to me a week after I said something to him in class, he said ‘that was an insult wasnt it? took me this long to realize you were not in fact paying me a compliment’

        Control is important, how do we keep it without coming off as a horrible person? How do we resolve that with our partners? I dont like fighting, I rarely argue, but I used to a lot when I was younger….

      • I assume your husband has always seen you as a strong intelligent woman, I assume my husband does not see that in me because he is always surprised when I stand up for myself. I didn’t really fight anything until my kids got old enough that I see it effecting them, meaning they see me as powerless.

        So my marriage is crumbling because he doesn’t like that I’m asking for some control, at least over my feelings and parenting. It’s always a fight, and I’m seen as the instigator because I’m not rolling over and accepting his anger.

      • Pyx says:

        I guess I have felt as though my husband didn’t always appreciate me, my abilities, opinions or the things I wanted: he has actually gotten really good with the communication aspect of things. I guess it never occurred to me that I should ask him how to do things, I just did them – figured if he wanted it done one way he would do it himself…but I did expect that he say something and not freak out on me. Neither of us enjoy conflict, but they do happen… kids are a big influence on our changes and it can be difficult on our partners, they do sort of end up coming first!

        I am sorry to hear you are having difficulties, it isnt easy being faced with a sense of hopelessness, can be awfully lonesome too… xxx

      • Thank you for your kind words, and to know that your marriage wasn’t always perfectly communicative helps too. We actually have had a breakthrough, just this afternoon, an acknowledgement of some feelings that may put us on a much easier path to a stronger marriage!!

      • Pyx says:

        woah! no way… I am actually very elated! It sounds strange to thank someone for listening to us but it is great… my fingers are crossed and of course wish you the best. I do believe in hope… always have. awesome all around this is to hear…

    • Pyx says:

      Good for you and please, you are most welcome.
      Remember a few years ago, I am not sure if it is because of a movie or something, but girls were calling each other ‘hookers’ or ‘slut’ in greeting each other? (hey slut!, how’s it going?)
      My poor gf Erica walked into my office one day and said ‘whats up slut’
      and I was so stunned that she took a step backwards and said ‘oh shit. Im so sorry’
      My face always gives me away…

      I think when it comes to sex we are all going to have moments we arent proud of, but if we do not learn from them, then we have a problem – as if we don’t ourselves enough already right? now I need to call myself names?!

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