I have been unable to write for two weeks and I am somewhat forcing myself to do it now. It is not important for me to share everything with virtual strangers, anyone can write a blog, but actually sharing is a whole other thing altogether. I tend to be very academic in my writing, keeping things factual and the reality is I have been purely emotional and putting that into words is far more difficult.
I have signed in every day with the intent of writing alongside my intent to keep my personal life private but I found myself increasingly agitated that I could not write something, anything, other than what I am feeling. I have been so grateful for the distractions of other blogs but I know I am not going to be able to continue my own writing if I do not say something because she was important to me and she matters.
The recent loss of my familiar has taken me by surprise, or rather the effect of my loss has astonished me – not that a beloved ‘pet’ deserves any less mourning over than a human being because they are individual creatures with their own personalities and become a huge part of our world. Living in the middle of nowhere Amerika on a 120 acres of beautiful land requires that one nurture their relationship to nature to survive and developing relationships to animals is only one way in which we fight off isolation.
I fucked up my baked beans last night. A recipe I have been using for so long that no longer requires me to use measuring cups and recipe cards. I realized that my cooking for the past two weeks has been bland when usually it is one of the primary ways in which I express myself and my affection for others. Without realizing it I have been keeping myself out of the kitchen because she was always at my feet as I stood over bubbling pots and steam. She got stepped on frequently but she was always forgiving. Fruit tastes less sweet when there is no one to share it with and the house is eerily quiet at night. Amazing how a tiny creature weighing less than 3 pounds can impact your life.
Knowing my husband is going through similar loss is also difficult; his nature to rescue and save us all leaves him prone to personal feelings of failure. Compounding our loss is the reality that we are now with one in house aging weasel, ferret, and I never imagined he would outlive her. They sleep in a pile, you become a part of that pile, but there is nothing more heart wrenching than watching one animal searching in panic for the other.
Losing a pet is one of the first life lessons of loss and death we learn as children, I remember my first pet budgie and finding it feet up at the bottom of the cage – there is nothing you can do, it is a part of a life cycle and if we are so blessed with good parents they give us comfort and help us to mourn appropriately. I believe that those first lessons are how we learn to cope with all death around us but more importantly how we come to appreciate one another and living a good life filled with love.
I got Coco a lovely lilac bush which I will plant beside her and tend to it just as I did her, keeping it safe from harm, feeding it so it grows, and appreciating it’s beauty.