Back away from the place where my ashes are buried

The Pyx Holy Communion

The Pyx Holy Communion

The lovely filledandfooled once again was so kind as to nominate me for an award and again I must fudge the rules a bit: the iconoclastic cunt I am. However to make up for it I am using one of my own images as the posted award (as you can see this is not the first time I have been asked about sin) and did my best to cover all seven sins though having been raised Roman Catholic I have chosen to include the 8th. I can not however nominate more people, my blog list is thin and I think most of the blogs I read have taken part but if for any reason someone who blogs is reading this and has NOT taken part, I invite you to do so: just leave me a link here so I can read about yours sins!

Thank you again filledandfooled you can read her sins here but my sins are as follows’

Superbia: Pride is the source from which all my other sins spring. In my refusal to accept that loving myself as I do, a woman, often above others, especially men, as a negative is the foundation upon which I am built – including sexually. I am disapproving of other sexual adults who are ‘religiously’ and socially aggressive towards whores, gays, bisexuals, women, reproductive options, and kink aware or anything that reeks of sexual pleasure.  I know, or rather believe, I am better than them and I will not remove myself from judging their ignorance: often publicly and to humiliate them though it is exactly what they do to others. I never said I was perfect.

Acedia: My guilt lies in knowing that I am capable of achieving or taking part in certain things and being consciously aware or choose to do nothing. My talents and abilities could make a difference to someone, somewhere, but instead choose which battles to fight: not because they are easy but simply because they impact me directly. I chose to reject, or rather no longer directly work in, the worldly pursuits of peace but instead personal harmony.  I could fight harder for same sex marriage but posting a banner in my blog or singing a petition seems to be the very definition of torpor. Instead I chose to leave the physical struggle to those it impacts and choose a more lethargic approach of support: saying I do.

Gula: Try as I might to not waste anything I can look around to acknowledge that I consume more than I need, sometimes overlooking that if I were simply to hold back someone else could prosper or not go without. I over indulge myself in men, wine, sex and feed to excess that appetite because it is how I choose to tangibly reward myself. If men were to be placed on a table like a buffet I would be most likely to sample something from every plate, and what I found most tasty I would go back for seconds. And then pass out bloated, sick and still wanting – anticipating the next meal.

Avaritia: My greed is in quality vs quantity. I express or accent myself with pretty things be it in my house décor, clothing, books, music, technology and sexual partners. I do not need or want 300 pairs of shoes; I want good shoes of quality – I do not need or want 300 sexual partners; I want the best sexual partners. To glorify one’s self with things, wealth, is what I learned from being raised Roman Catholic. If the church (the building) is here on earth to inspire man, humble him, remind him/represent of the glory and power of God then to me the things I have and my home become a place of worship. Every whip, cuff, leather corset, medieval device of torture, sex machine, perfume, ropes, restraints, paddle, stockings, garter belt, and sexual ability I have goes to doing just that!

Ira: More than any other sin this is my biggest. I have known rage and I am not without a history of violence in my youth. Try as I might to justify the use of physical violence to defend others, it is no excuse. It was and is pure uncontrolled emotion. I have had my share of scuffles and be it age or something else I work at it not being an option for me. Strangely I abhor those that do choose violence when there are other options, perhaps because I feel they put me in a position that I would consider it but the unqualified desire to hit back in the name of justice is always there close to the surface. I find physical violent force domineering and humiliating; when a mother slaps a child in a restaurant, bullies, rape, when women slap men, people in a position of authority using excessive force; especially armed personnel against those without the same or equal capabilities. There is a fine line for me personally, from experience, when you work against violence, on behalf of the displaced or weakened peoples, to one day think of throwing up your hands and join in the fight. Violence, hatred, anger are for me the thing of politics and war is our sin. Sexually I never have to look deep within myself to know that my ability to unflinchingly inflict pain for pleasure, kink wise on another person, is not far from my experiences: I know where and how to physically cause the most pain but it is no longer personal.

Vanagloria: This blog is vanity.

Fornicatio: Though I do not desire power or fame, I do not waste time and energy envying what other people think they have or appear to have (to me jealousy is a symptom of bigger issues) but I am unapologetic about my sexual lust and desires: for me sex is political and personal. I can vividly recall masturbating at a young age, even in public though I believed it to be ‘unnatural’ I soon came to realize it was in fact very normal.  I find the notion that a woman could be in violation of such an offense is purely generated by men to deny my gender the very liberties they themselves seek to enjoy or deny themselves. I believe the state and religion has no place in the private bedrooms of consenting adults: I think prostitution should be legal and is an important piece to combating human trafficking. I am not bothered that it could appear I have or desire sex in excess.  I think it is human to want things and I try to keep those desires within reason, instead choosing to acknowledge that simply because ‘I am’ does not mean I am entitled. My desires are often unorthodox, the pleasures of mixing violence with sex, pain, and vulgarity. My willingness to seek it out; work towards its execution, and achieving it might offend some but then I enjoy my manner of offensive sex. I work well with lust, my own and that of others, and feel it is a talent not everyone has, so I do not shy away from it. Lust and love are two very different things for me.

Tristitia: No longer considered a sin, sort of thrown in with Envy, but none the less one I consider being on the list. I know there are medical conditions and depression is very much a real struggle for some people but the reason I list this is because in the past I could have been accused of lack of joy. My grandmother once said ‘You aren’t happy unless you are fighting something or someone’ and she was right. I am not longer guilty of this, I can find pure bliss in something as menial as baking. Seriously. But in keeping with my pride I think I have seen enough of misery to know others are living with it:  I think it is easier for us to blame other people for our problems, for things that have gone wrong, or accuse them of misleading us into making the choices we have. It is somehow socially acceptable to gossip and derive pleasure or entertainment in other people’s misfortune: just look at celebrity or sex scandals because it takes away from looking at our own lives. Easier to complain than it is to compliment: think of how you treat people in the service industry. Negative aggression now appears to be a good personality trait: sorry self-proclaimed ‘bitches’ it’s not. The idea that we are supposed to be, all the time, happy and fulfilled, without having to work at it and if we are not it is because we don’t have the things we want. Blowing the manageable things out of proportion as though it is going to end one’s life, I think people call it ‘drama’, I call it sad. Shopping out of ones means to make yourself feel good or fill a void instead of being constructively self-reflective: perhaps something is wrong. Choosing to sit and do nothing, though you are miserable and unhappy, simply because it is easier than starting over: who said this was all easy? I think some people choose to accept a level of misery in their lives, keep it close, feed it, let it grow and project it outwards instead of working just as hard to find happiness.

6 comments on “Back away from the place where my ashes are buried

  1. Damn woman, can we meet for coffee some time? I would love to talk and listen and learn for days. Your post deserves a third and maybe a fourth read. You are so interesting!

    • Pyx says:

      You are too kind. thank you for asking me to take part, sorry I dont have that many blogs to recommend, I am working on it – actually I find new blogs from reading yours and the ones I do have on my list.

      if ever in central Indiana, though I can not imagine why anyone would be, you are most welcome!

      • I will surely look you up if I am ever close!

        I keep giving you awards because I think you give such interesting reading, stimulating in all different ways. I have blogger friends I keep hoping to run into on the comments section of your blog.

      • Pyx says:

        I get more people reading then I do commenting. Always has been that way actually… but certainly enjoy comments and the back and forth.

        Maybe I should be more inviting or you were extremely brave to leave a comment? I can think of a million reasons why people would read but not say something, either way, I just keep clicking away at the keyboard.

        Im glad you think so, really it was kinda fun and because it was you I dont mind playing along.

      • I don’t know if I’m brave or not, it usually takes reading around ten posts before I feel comfort in commenting on any blog. Certainly there was an intimidation factor at play in your blog, but you are so damn interesting and open. You seem highly intelligent, it takes more effort (in a good way) to respond or comment because I know you really think about it and care.

      • Pyx says:

        Oh I get you on that, not every blog entry I read I comment on – sometimes nothing need be said, other times if I have nothing nice to say…. hehehe.

        yeah, ive been told about the intimidation factor, it’s worse in person, but my genius sense of humour is lost online. seriously, i am fucking hi-larious!

        and we not all need agree, i like being challenge by other intelligent people, I dont believe just because I have degrees and certificates it makes me better than anyone else – but I wont hide that I think either.

        I mean wow have you read some of the blogs around… some really good writers. Maybe I should take more time to say so. Im just glad you did say something because I do enjoy your blog and your comments.

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