I made time to meet up with SML Saturday evening. I could not shake the idea that it was important for me to talk with him face to face rather than just phone call or online chat – regardless of how casual our sexual meetings had been. There is something about him that told me he will have questions, or rather need some affirmation and I was prepared to give him that.
I was relieved when I opened the door and he was without his iPad.
I made us something to drink and got right to the point and was honest with him that I did not have plans the previous weekend when he asked me out. I explained that though the constant pleading for a video was getting on my nerves, it wasn’t why I lied – this was honest helpful criticism, that girls do not get a new toy and first thing think of making a sex video.
He did ask about his abilities as a sexual partner and though I do have the capacity to be cruel this was not an appropriate target. I went on to explain that in my kind of arrangement, relationships are either sexual or complimentary and his was sexual. It has been difficult for me to meet someone that understands I am not cheating on my husband and can manage a level of respect. He did that – and I assured him that his abilities as a lover were satisfactory.
He then asked me if his penis size was good. I had to laugh and gave him my usual response ‘Seriously?!’
I was not prepared to have that conversation, the whole size thing, because as much as I believe in such things as a good breakup, I am sometimes tired of being a free therapist. We talked a little about some of his current dating options, and again he seemed to be concerned about his sexual abilities more than anything else – as if sex was the only thing that mattered to succeed in a relationship with a woman.
I sat back and remembered that though we are close in age we all come from different experiences – some less than others and some not so good. There is a moment when you are talking to someone about things where a line can be crossed, honesty is important but brutality can be harmful. I decided he was an adult and could cope. Of course he wanted to leave things open ended (well if you change your mind or ever want to …) and be friends, but I could not offer him either.
We talked for a bit longer and said our goodbyes and try as I might to end things on a good note, he looked disappointed. I couldn’t wait to be an adult, a mature woman, and as much as I hate the breaking up part of relationships I feel that I handle them rather well. I sat down and finished my cup of coffee thinking of all those breakups in my past and the one time I contemplated ending my marriage. Some of them I worked up to the ending, I would give a boyfriend a second chance or third, but three was my limit – I never got back with an ex, I never remained friends with them but none of them ended in tears and bloodshed either. Some relationships deserve a bit of forgiveness, work, and dare I say a stubborn resolve. Strangely for me it is the person that impacts my fight of flight instinct, the person they are, and for SML it is always going to be relationship status first, not the person but just being with someone. Anyone.