Sex in the news: asexuality


bbvcxSome time ago I bookmarked this article from the Huffington post: they are the liberal media’s version of STAR magazine and always have little sex blogs or sex crime articles on the side of the page. They are not award winning articles nor do I recommend them academically (I am not sure that blogs should be reporting news) but none the less sex is a topic worth talking about.

Sexless marriages. The article is from an ex-wife’s perspective which I can appreciate. Her willingness to talk about this intimate subject and share with other women and men who are at home right now searching the internet for a remedy to their own sexless marriage. Even worse is the knowledge from experience that we, men or women, can for a while blame ourselves for our partners lack of sexual interest.

From the article: “Newsweek noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a “sexless” marriage. An estimated 15% of marriages become sexless, and making love less than 10 times per year can be the norm for some couples.”

What I enjoy about blog media is that you get a very personal impression of what someone was going through and for a lot of people this can relieve a sense of alienation and on a positive note perhaps open them up to new ideas or perspectives however for the most part blogs are opinions and often fraught with emotion which is often uncomfortable to read (anger, dysfunctional, immaturity, whining) which makes sense to the writer but not always for the reader. I will admit to an inability to get through some blog entries simply because I was uncomfortable and I have probably missed out on something. I can appreciate blogs for the talent, the content and entertainment factor but I keep informational blogs close.

I like blogs that mix opinion with some fact so I am a sucker for any sited works however  just because we can google something, read it, does not make us gurus, professionals or mean that we can fully understand what is being said: yes even if it is written in English and you read in the English language. I am often disappointed when the author is a professional and cannot present their situation and fact in unison as they give advice to other people or make suggestion that can have a great impact on someone’s life choices: would you trust your car to to someone who googled how to fix it?

She did bring up an important factor which I think a lot of couples tend to overlook: medical issues for the lack of sexual desire. I am friends with my husband’s ex girlfriend (which is a whole other entry) who recently admitted to me that they, as a couple, rarely had sex ‘he told me he just wasn’t ever that interested in sex’. I was not sure if I should expose my husband’s privacy but sexuality is so important to me that I felt a need to give her a possible excuse for his lack of interest. When I moved here the frequency of our sex had lowered to once a month. At first it was logical: I am no longer traveling from country to country and the reunion sex is now gone. However being who I am, after a few months of no to little sex, I had to sit him down and talk about it – I suggested a doctor, not for Viagra, but for a prostate exam. Through a healthy change in diet and some tact on my part, we are at a very healthy once a week – healthier than once in a while – and sometimes more. This never occurred to her as a potential issue and should her partner ever experience the same I am certain this will stick in her mind as an option instead of getting upset and taking it personally.

This particular author Cathy Meyer caught my attention because try as she might to explain to people who are perhaps in a sexless marriage that it is not their fault she threw out a term that is VERY important when dealing with human sexuality but she left it alone without further explanation just as she did with a possible medial issue. It struck me as irresponsible but then she is just writing a blog and held to no particular standard: though her credentials say she is a Certified Marriage Educator and Divorce Coach.

She calls her husband an asexual but does not go on to explain what is an asexual, what this can mean for him or for her as a wife and partner. Though the word is highlighted in her article and linked to the asexual network  I find there is a need for immediacy of information for a reader, so when writing and publishing her article she could have made more of an impact on those people who feel they might be in the same situation. I felt she should have explained how she came to terms with her husband being asexual, how did she cope, how did they cope and what did it mean for her: to love and be attracted to an asexual person. Was he diagnosed as such or did she just decide he was asexual?

Asexuality does not come up often, though I frequently mention it in regards to kink and the people I have worked with, I try to take the time for people to understand that though people might think of sex and sometimes become aroused by a particular idea, asexuals rarely seek out the act of sex: they do not desire it or particularly enjoy it.

Certainly they do engage in sexual acts but sexual pleasure is not the driving force behind it: most asexuals I know have sex because they know the person they love wants and needs that kind of intimacy. For most asexuals the intimacy comes through emotional bonds, physical closeness and tenderness or in some situation a more kinky option: some asexuals have a particular thing or situation which gives them a sense of gratification.  I often use this term in a BDSM or kink context because for me there is no sexual intercourse involved when I engage in kink but the act is sexual, perhaps for me my kink is asexual but I am not in love with them nor trying to have a committed adult relationship.

I do not suggest anyone out there google symptoms and then go about diagnosing themselves or other people for that matter, but when you are dealing with emotions and sex I think it is also important to enlighten yourself: wow there really are people out there who do not desire to have sex. And like you, me and everyone else, they are perfectly healthy, sane and have the same needs and wants as anyone else just without the sex.


3 comments on “Sex in the news: asexuality

  1. As usual, great food for thought. I wish I had more time to read, and the more time to blog/write. You rock Pyx.

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    Really? Seems to me this is more like sexual indifference than a true sense of asexuality. Many people and couples go without sex for extended periods of time and for many reasons and, of course, many of us have heard and/or have read about how sex in a relationship goes from doing it two or three times a day to maybe once a month or even less.

    The medical factors alone are mind-numbing, from medications that whack one’s libido to low testosterone in men, hormone imbalances in women. That and we live in a culture that confuses us by saying that sex in a relationship is important… but a relationship without sex can be just as fulfilling; indeed, I know quite a few women who insist that they can love their man fully and totally without having to have sex with him and, in my opinion, that’s a problem.

    While we should look at sex as being a part of life (even though we’re taught that it is… and isn’t), a lot of people look at it as if it isn’t, like sex isn’t really necessary or it’s something ‘extra’ added to a relationship; again, I point to blogs seen here where women rant and rave about a man always wanting to screw them and they feel that sex isn’t and shouldn’t ever be an issue in a relationship and, yeah, I know a couple of guys who think like this, too.

    But life gets in the way of getting laid on a regular basis; the stress of work or the stress of not being able to work; being a homemaker or parents raising kids (the best birth control method in the world) or just coping with one’s existence is enough to take one’s libido, which was alive and vibrant in the beginning of the relationship and pretty much wipe it out.

    Finally, maybe there are some people who, for whatever reason, see no reason for having sex at all and I think it was Freud who said the only abnormal sex was not having sex at all…

    • Pyx says:

      Re: sexual indifference.

      I am going to assume you mean the article and which is why I said that ‘she does not make it clear if he was diagnose or if she just came up with this on her own’ clearly this woman is reading stuff off the internet and calling herself a professional – was my biggest point.

      She did however mention medical issues, the husband’s testosterone, and for some reason (shocking from a pro) instead of working on this together he came home with Viagra and his reaction was when she knew her marriage was over?! Not the sort of counselor I would trust to seek with my sexual issues but these sorts of blogs, self proclaimed gurus, are all over the place on the net.

      I can only write about what I know and have experience with. He is not my husband so I can not say if he was indifferent, nor does she explain if he was going through something personal or had other medical issues. What I do know is that asexuals do exist and like you said some of the blogs around here – the writers – are so caught up in themselves to realize that people who do not enjoy or get pleasure from sex exist. All too many bloggers confused sex for affection but that is another topic all together – so naturally if they are all of a sudden not having sex, wouldn’t they think it’s them or the guy/girl doesn’t love them anymore?

      trust me I do not read a lot of blogs with sexual content because they are examples of healthy sexuality – using they are my cautionary tale.

      As to sex in relationships I have always been a big believer in ebbs and flows however if you are having sex in a given age bracket less than ten times a year, yes there is such a thing as a sexless marriage and it is clearly defined – mostly out of a legal need when using at fault divorce practices. – but people do break up their happy homes for sex or a lack of. I would expect my parents to have less sex than I do, simply because of age, in a natural environment but we can not ignore that Viagra has changed this for men and we women are still left without sex aids. So it matters that she brought it up.

      What is normal for one couple might not be for another – she was clear they had sex often when they were dating and it stopped the night of the wedding (they did not have sex that night either). So he very well might have fit the asexual definition but he was unaware of it – for him it is perfectly normal, natural and why shouldn’t it be! He married her for companionship and love she obviously requires sex to be a part of that.

      I just found her article lacking in some very important facts and factors and empathy – asexuals aren’t broken, they do not need to be fixed.

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