Some time ago I bookmarked this article from the Huffington post: they are the liberal media’s version of STAR magazine and always have little sex blogs or sex crime articles on the side of the page. They are not award winning articles nor do I recommend them academically (I am not sure that blogs should be reporting news) but none the less sex is a topic worth talking about.
Sexless marriages. The article is from an ex-wife’s perspective which I can appreciate. Her willingness to talk about this intimate subject and share with other women and men who are at home right now searching the internet for a remedy to their own sexless marriage. Even worse is the knowledge from experience that we, men or women, can for a while blame ourselves for our partners lack of sexual interest.
From the article: “Newsweek noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a “sexless” marriage. An estimated 15% of marriages become sexless, and making love less than 10 times per year can be the norm for some couples.”
What I enjoy about blog media is that you get a very personal impression of what someone was going through and for a lot of people this can relieve a sense of alienation and on a positive note perhaps open them up to new ideas or perspectives however for the most part blogs are opinions and often fraught with emotion which is often uncomfortable to read (anger, dysfunctional, immaturity, whining) which makes sense to the writer but not always for the reader. I will admit to an inability to get through some blog entries simply because I was uncomfortable and I have probably missed out on something. I can appreciate blogs for the talent, the content and entertainment factor but I keep informational blogs close.
I like blogs that mix opinion with some fact so I am a sucker for any sited works however just because we can google something, read it, does not make us gurus, professionals or mean that we can fully understand what is being said: yes even if it is written in English and you read in the English language. I am often disappointed when the author is a professional and cannot present their situation and fact in unison as they give advice to other people or make suggestion that can have a great impact on someone’s life choices: would you trust your car to to someone who googled how to fix it?
She did bring up an important factor which I think a lot of couples tend to overlook: medical issues for the lack of sexual desire. I am friends with my husband’s ex girlfriend (which is a whole other entry) who recently admitted to me that they, as a couple, rarely had sex ‘he told me he just wasn’t ever that interested in sex’. I was not sure if I should expose my husband’s privacy but sexuality is so important to me that I felt a need to give her a possible excuse for his lack of interest. When I moved here the frequency of our sex had lowered to once a month. At first it was logical: I am no longer traveling from country to country and the reunion sex is now gone. However being who I am, after a few months of no to little sex, I had to sit him down and talk about it – I suggested a doctor, not for Viagra, but for a prostate exam. Through a healthy change in diet and some tact on my part, we are at a very healthy once a week – healthier than once in a while – and sometimes more. This never occurred to her as a potential issue and should her partner ever experience the same I am certain this will stick in her mind as an option instead of getting upset and taking it personally.
This particular author Cathy Meyer caught my attention because try as she might to explain to people who are perhaps in a sexless marriage that it is not their fault she threw out a term that is VERY important when dealing with human sexuality but she left it alone without further explanation just as she did with a possible medial issue. It struck me as irresponsible but then she is just writing a blog and held to no particular standard: though her credentials say she is a Certified Marriage Educator and Divorce Coach.
She calls her husband an asexual but does not go on to explain what is an asexual, what this can mean for him or for her as a wife and partner. Though the word is highlighted in her article and linked to the asexual network I find there is a need for immediacy of information for a reader, so when writing and publishing her article she could have made more of an impact on those people who feel they might be in the same situation. I felt she should have explained how she came to terms with her husband being asexual, how did she cope, how did they cope and what did it mean for her: to love and be attracted to an asexual person. Was he diagnosed as such or did she just decide he was asexual?
Asexuality does not come up often, though I frequently mention it in regards to kink and the people I have worked with, I try to take the time for people to understand that though people might think of sex and sometimes become aroused by a particular idea, asexuals rarely seek out the act of sex: they do not desire it or particularly enjoy it.
Certainly they do engage in sexual acts but sexual pleasure is not the driving force behind it: most asexuals I know have sex because they know the person they love wants and needs that kind of intimacy. For most asexuals the intimacy comes through emotional bonds, physical closeness and tenderness or in some situation a more kinky option: some asexuals have a particular thing or situation which gives them a sense of gratification. I often use this term in a BDSM or kink context because for me there is no sexual intercourse involved when I engage in kink but the act is sexual, perhaps for me my kink is asexual but I am not in love with them nor trying to have a committed adult relationship.
I do not suggest anyone out there google symptoms and then go about diagnosing themselves or other people for that matter, but when you are dealing with emotions and sex I think it is also important to enlighten yourself: wow there really are people out there who do not desire to have sex. And like you, me and everyone else, they are perfectly healthy, sane and have the same needs and wants as anyone else just without the sex.