I’ll be here a while


untitledblog1I love waking up before my husband and having the house to myself this way; dawn outside the window, a fresh pot of hot coffee and a peaceful stillness. Well I had to get up early to let the chickens out. Funny, most people who think they knew me would never expect to hear those words boy they were wrong.

I try to find a moment like this every day where I can just sit and feel at peace – feel happy.  For some people it comes with age, for some it does not come at all, and it is really a moment in time that has required a lot of work on my part but when this moment comes every struggle in the past seems small and irrelevant. I have an amazing husband and an equally amazing lover; I have a wonderful family and friends. What more could I want?

I was the girl that could not wait to turn thirty and get grey hair as I believed it would finally reflect my maturity. Now I am looking forward to the age of forty and feel I am in the right place at the right time and it too is looked upon as a testament to my qualities and abilities: at times I never thought I would make it this far; most of the time I never thought I deserved something this good. I am older but haven’t changed all that much instead my priorities have shifted to reflect my life experiences: and yes more grey hairs!

I suppose I should desire world peace but I am not running for anything and I gave up on the notion that we could all get along a long time ago. Being a liberal woman of the west I have no right to tell others how they should live their lives so instead I took control over my own.  All of my invested time in other peoples struggles it was only natural they became my own; choose which battles to fight and I have.

It is not easy to love, and when I say love I mean with an acceptance of who a person is – even if I do not agree with them or particularly like them – finding something to love about them can be its own challenge. This morning it is easy for me to feel love for my ex, for someone I have not yet met, for my neighbours and for a woman that I hate more than nuclear war (okay maybe I feel empathy for her but that is more than most times) and even for PC in a ‘I would be upset if you got hit by a bus’ kind of love.

It makes me feel good to end my conversations with friends and family with affection, I want them to know they are loved and appreciated. I cannot understand why the reality makes others so uncomfortable.  It is a morning like this that I know, I feel, I am loved. What I take in I toss back out into the world three fold and it comes back to me multiplied and so the cycle goes on and on and on. The same can be said for my negativity and violent tendencies but I have to consciously choose to project the good it is how I balance myself out.

I am no dirty hippy by any means, I would not hug a bomb or a tank, violence has its own place and purpose in our human nature and I dislike more people than I like them but even then those people I cannot tolerate on some level I appreciate: they make me look good that I am not a walking tragedy like them but instead of ignoring them completely I try … oh who the fuck am I kidding some people are just horrible.  But even those that put Darwin to the test deserve a bit of love and I just hope they find it and you have to admire how some of these people just keep going and going and going without a fucking clue.

I don’t know if love can change the world, I only know it can change someone’s life and I know if I didn’t have it I wouldn’t care what happens to the rest of the world and the people on this planet and I know if I didn’t say it that person wouldn’t know they matter.

What the fuck is in this coffee.

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