Pain and sex

Unfortunately it is not that sort of entry.

My husband is suffering from an issue with his gallbladder which leaves him in a particular amount of discomfort and pain. We all live with a certain amount of pain, we work, we take part in physical activities that might leave us with some pain – so what is the big deal and what does it have to do with sex?

My husband chose to suffer in silence for the past week.

My husband then informed me he has been suffering for the past year.

In silence? My fucking ass.

The fact that he believed that he was silent or that I was oblivious to ‘something’ being wrong is truly maddening; you don’t think I noticed? You don’t think I could tell? And one of the biggest red flags was the lack of sex. No body fucks when they are in serious pain and for the past year we have not been fucking as much as we used too.

Now I love my husband dearly and always do my best to care for him in every way imaginable but often men will say of women that we do not communicate, that they (men) are not ‘mind readers’ – well right back atcha’ sweethearts.

Pride kills people too.

I do not lack empathy, I know that as we age our bodies change and what used to be achievable with ease when we were 20 now requires priming of the pump when we are 50 but what I will never understand is why someone, men and woman, would truly believe that they are above medical need. Why they would chose to sit in pain and keep it from their partner. Why they do not realize that one little, treatable, medical condition (that can be reversed with simple diet) can impact a relationship; not only sexually but emotionally and allow it to continue possibly for years.

Oh do not get me wrong I have no fear that he will die from this, subconsciously I am prepared for my partner to go first just by years (twenty my senior) but even then I joke that chances are more likely I would go first. That does not stop my being concerned for his wellbeing as he is for mine but am I so wrong to believe that a part of being a couple is my partners health: we are no longer just individuals but represent a state in which our own selves are no longer ours alone but affect the other?

Women and men often complain of living in a sexless marriage and I have always believed that often there might be an underlining medical condition that impedes sexual activity: men with a prostate issue might not be able to hold on to an erection, high blood pressure and physical exertion does lead to migraines and pain. Viagara is not always the answer but it is an easy one. Women have gallbladder issues too and especially after having children.

I am not a medical doctor, I certainly could not have diagnosed this but if every time you eat red meat you are in pain – umm… something is up!

My opening position is: this is about him, it is his body and he has and will make his own choices.

My second position is: be supportive and pick up the slack while he recovers.

My closing position is: those choices do affect me and for him to believe otherwise hurts.

For the past year, and dare I say I believe longer, I did get after him to find out what was wrong: are you feeling okay you seem this or that? Was something wrong with dinner? So on. Only questions to help me figure out what his ailment was, best intentions aside for the past few years this line of questioning has been met with – leave me alone, I don’t have to tell you everything; yes I am fine, just an upset stomach and nothing less then a general brush off. Only a handful of times has he gotten short with me and been snippy – but what do you expect when someone is sitting in pain and they dont want to talk about it.

I did not stop caring, I came to terms with that fact that – we don’t go to bed at the same time, we aren’t going to have sex this week or I guess he just isn’t in the mood or he is clearly not feeling well but since he doesn’t want my help I will do my own thing. I had no choice but to stop asking questions and to keep my concerns to myself, I began to ignore his obvious discomforts and with what little information I had I just saw him as a man that is aging.

With all of that said I am NOT about to give in to the idea that MEN are less vulnerable than we women, they too have pride, they too desire privacy and they too suffer from fears: would I have seen my husband as less of a man (manly or whatever that means) had he told me ‘I can’t fuck you tonight because I am experiencing a shooting pain up my back into my shoulder’?

No! I would have asked him to see a doctor.

I think it is a weakness to not have said so and instead choose to not only ignore his condition but the one he potentially left me in. How did he know he was not having a heart attack? That it was something serious and potentially leaving him open to more complications? And he chose to let me go to bed, night after night, week after week, sometimes a whole month thinking that his sexual years were numbered and that I should accept my sexual fate along with his. HE WAS MAKING THAT CHOICE FOR ME!

Yes I am pissed off. Retired super hero Army guy or not, he is no longer 20 years old and able to eat shit on a shingle or walk away from a bullet hole as if nothing happened. I feel denied an active role, not just in his care because I am the one that cooks everything – had I known sooner could I have saved him years of pain? This could have been reversible. And most importantly I know shit. I know a lot of fucking shit. I am a brilliant woman and though that in itself pisses him off and terrifies him sometimes the idea that he did not trust me enough to tell me, to allow me to help him… no he chose to not let me help him… hurts a little.

So for all you people out there who are sitting around feeling sick or something and decide to not tell your partner – do not be surprised that when a surgeon walks in the room we lack the proper reaction of sympathy or we seem to not care. If YOU choose to not explain to us why it is you do not want to fuck, you do not want to go out and do something, you cannot eat out at the Indian restaurant remember this: the imagination is far worse than the truth and that does lead to some resentment. It can become personal.

This is why you sometimes have men and woman thinking up stupid shit about lack of love, their partners no longer desire them, I must be horrible in bed or that they just don’t want to have sex anymore or at least not with me. One little tiny organ can cause a whole body of hurt and instead of swallowing your pride and asking or admitting you need help you risk far worse with a partner; a sexless marriage. The sad part is I always knew it wasnt me and I never felt or believed any of those things, I know there is nothing wrong with me, it just sucks that he spent the past year or so knowing there was something wrong with him and chose to not change it.

Grrr.

8 comments on “Pain and sex

  1. G says:

    There is so much I want to say, you are a brilliant woman. I will leave it at that, hope he goes to the doctor and starts feeling well soon. I’ve had what I think are two gallbladder attacks and they hurt worse than childbirth. I thought I was dying. It was so scary. I couldn’t go to a doctor, now I realize how scary it was for my husband driving around the parking lot of the ER with our newborn in the back, me in the front seat FREAKING about going in. We got out of the car. Started walking in, I couldn’t do it. We walked back and I felt better, the next attack waiting…ugh. No fried foods (i try) or red meat for me.

    • Pyx says:

      Yes we are off to see a doctor today – I mean I feel horrible for him, I do, but on some level I feel as though it is also self inflicted… he feels I am not on his side because my response has been ‘no fucking shit Sherlock’ as I carry a look of apathy.

      I mean a whole fucking year?! if not more! And no, Mr Army of One didn’t put two and two together (having an attack after a hamburger, steak or biscuits and gravy) but honestly believed I had no idea that something was up.

      I don’t mean to be an asshole but after a year or more and being told to mind my own business… I sort of am. I hope he doesnt have stones or that this requires surgery, and that this can be sorted with a change in diet and once again in moderation he could enjoy a burger and all the food he does like now and then.

      He once told me that I wasnt his mother, that I treated him like a child… my point has been made because he has certainly behaved like one. Ugh. I hate feeling like that but this wont be the first time I have had to hide broccoli in his meat loaf. LMAO

      So, with a change in diet have you had success on keeping down the attacks?
      And better able to know what sets them off: meaning after you eat something and are in pain, since you know what the pain is associated with, are better able to say ‘well I cant eat that anymore’

      • G says:

        Yes, I realized that fried foods and red meat caused the “reaction” and even though I don’t avoid them 100% (I had to have an eggroll or a donut, even a burger once in a while) I still know that the pain is worth no indulgence in that food, its just food.

        I also realize that since it happened twice within a few months after the birth of my first, it could have something to do with my organs going back into their place. But still, I feel better when I don’t eat that shit.

        I feel for you, it is so hard having a grown man unable to take care of his basic needs, yet he gets pissy when you try to help. He *knows* better, and he is mad at himself, so it is hard to be anything but sweet and supportive while he works it out on his own…they learn to manipulate so early.

  2. The Hook says:

    Hang in there, Pyx. Sorry for your pain, babe.

    • Pyx says:

      Thanks. Unlike your wife I feel as though my husband, with more care and not ignoring things for years, could have prevented his situation – but as you said, it is their body and they make the choices, but we try our best to be supportive. for me it just hurt a little that for two years he told me to mind my own business and overlooked his life is a part of mine.

      My best to you and yours, it is not easy getting older and certainly never expected we should have to face such thing but believe they can be fought together.

      • The Hook says:

        You are most wise, Pyx.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Has your hubby been to the doctor yet?

      • Pyx says:

        Yes we went and he actually invited me in for the whole visit (prostate exam and all) It felt nice to give my input – he kept saying ‘ive been in pain for four days’ and I had to say ‘umm no it has been seven’

        He was shot left under arm back in the army, same arm that is giving him grief now – so they did an xray and cant see anything so it surely has to be linked to something else.

        Next up is ultrasound (gallbladder and such) and then off to Neurologist for the good ole prostate issue… i mean one is not separate from the other. he went many years, before I came along, with enlarged prostate… yup that over time has now lead to this gallbladder thing.

        I am trying to keep the smugness down but I will go with him to all visits and support his choices when he has options.

        thank you for asking after his health

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