Pyx answers her mail: men and porn in a marriage/relationship

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Q: my husband watches porn for hours while I am right there ready and able – if he wanted to have sex why doesn’t he just have it with me?

A: You are neither the first nor the last to ask such things but instead you have to change what it is you believe. First of all, men and women think of sex or think sexually throughout the day – that does not mean they want to have sex. It can be frustrating and it can become personal, I am not diminishing your experience with this and believe it is valid and worth talking about with your partner but I am also going to suggest that you work at changing a paradigm which is the hardest thing to do before you approach him.

When you read a statement that says ‘men think of sex 19 or more times a day’ you might automatically believe that thinking of sex means they are interested in doing it – the act – and that your husband does too. That is not the case. We think of food just as frequently but we do not eat 23 meals a day. So something else is going on and what that is is worth deconstructing.

With pornography at our virtual finger tips our brains become soaked in chemicals when we are able to instantaneously give ourselves pleasure the same way some people are with sweet or salty foods. Neurotransmitters in the brain release neurochemicals very similar to the ones we experience while having sex such as:

* dopamine: which can give you that ‘high’ feeling

* norepinephrine: that assists the brain to remember the details of exposure

* oxytocin: the same released during sex to create a powerful bonding sensation

* serotonin: that creates a peaceful feeling

Surely there is some kind of pleasure happening in the brain or else he would not be watching it. So why do it whilst there is an able body in the house; why chose video over the real thing? The two are like comparing apples to oranges.

Well first of all let us be honest, women too, we are not always up to it. Though we are attracted and love our partners the day is long, energy is spent and medical conditions intrude on our love making. There is a lot of work that goes into having sex – physically and emotionally. The second thing to consider is the status of one intimacy, a marriage that has little to no sex or any other resolved issues that could impede being intimate with one’s significant other; it is very easy to blame porn for the lack of sex but I truly believe there are other things at play.

Now many women have strong feelings about pornography and some just have strong feelings about a particular type of porn- example; barely legal. This is on you, you need to know what your limits are and keep them and they are not anyone else’s.  You need to sit and think why you feel the way you do without saying ‘I do not like porn because HE watches it all the time’ because that will not do.  Just because a man might watch barely legal videos does not mean he is into young girls, that he would go out and do the things that are in the video. Why would anyone think that of their partner? What women can often overlook when they see young, skinny, blond and shaved bare pussy is that often these videos are about innocence: your husband was once youthful too. Video and images can help us relieve a moment, a time in a place, and not necessarily about that other person. I have fond memories of fumbling through my sexuality in the dark with boys but I am fucked if I remember all their names.

If this example video is something that makes you uncomfortable you need to figure out why. Are we just predisposed to find older men with younger women revolting on some level? Do we see all men as predators? Do you believe it is borderline ‘pedophilic’ because the girl in the video APPEARS to be under age when she is not?

Remember that we tend to project outwards, so if you feel a particular way about something of course you might have a negative reaction to something he is watching: figure it out it will help but remember those are YOUR feelings, so if you feel unattractive or fat most of the time, of course you will feel that porn is at fault and makes you feel that way, or when he watches it reinforces what you are feeling, but porn being the excuse to blame about how you feel about yourself not him. Make sense? His watching skinny girls in porn is not a statement about you, you are making that yourself.

If you are 100% against porn you had better have a really good argument and ask yourself: what if anything is he supposed to do about it? Not much, you don’t like it, don’t watch it. You cannot police other people and being hardline against something reasonable will only infuriate you more and have him sneaking to watch it, making the whole situation a mess. Do not let something get out of hand and become a bigger issue than it is. The bigger question would be: I am against porn and how am I going to deal with him watching it.

There is often a bad habit of people taking or making things about them that are not: his watching porn of brunettes though you are a blond is NOT a commentary on your hair colour. Men deal with us watching movies and ooh’ing over male movie stars, this is no different; there is always going to be something nice about strange. It does not mean he does not find you attractive! Women in porn are paid to do what they do, they do not represent the majority of women and men know this so give him some credit. Though content might inspire some sexual experimentation in the bedroom like introducing furry handcuffs this is not just a male thing – so be careful of being gender biased when it comes to what we read and see and what we try because we girls do it too. If it was a book would it appear to be more legit than a video?

The wonderful thing about watching such distinctive porn is that it might be something we would never do, so watching it makes it exciting, taboo and keeps the fantasy in its rightful place: if you are to tell me you have no fantasies I would be disappointed. Though we have them of our partners we have them about other stuff too including other people. I personally feel this is like watching sports: on some level he might have loved baseball when he was younger and really wanted to play, knows the game but for whatever reason he can’t but is content with just watching it for hours. We ladies do it too with our shows and movie star peeping: we just like to what stuff about something we will never experience.

Porn is risk free: video does not disappoint, he does not need to preform, he is not faced with sex not being ‘long enough’ or ‘good enough’, he doesn’t have to worry if a woman cums, he doesn’t have to worry about going limp, he doesn’t get turned down, he doesn’t have to buy her a drink, shes not on her period, she’s not crying, the kids won’t walk in … see where I am going with this? Sometimes we want to just feel something without all the work that goes into it, though you are married there is still a chance of being turned down (him hearing no) and sometimes porn just makes feeling good so easy so quickly and then it is over – he doesn’t have to hold her, talk to her, tell her he loves her – he can roll over and go to sleep.

A particular fetish: something things are not easily explained, so we have to accept that our husbands are in fact looking for something in particular. Some men like shoes, and though you might jump at the idea of wearing them for him, it is not about you – it is about the shoes- men and woman are visual creatures.  My husband for instance enjoy the hunt: he is not sure what video he is looking for or what it is in particular but he enjoys trying to find it. This might sound strange but to put it into another context: he is not out at night ‘hunting’ and or looking for other women. Men, like women, enjoy seeking things out – and I know you can appreciate this on some level – we feel good when we find it, it makes us happy and satisfied.

And the reality also being that some men need a bit of a boost before engaging in sex: some women might feel turned off at the idea of him coming to bed with a hard on after watching porn but I truly believe that happens when we take it personally. Now if he spent an hour watching porn, when in reality he might have spent an hour trying to find something worthy to watch, does not guarantee he found it or that he will come to bed ready to fuck. This is one reason it might happen frequently throughout the week: he might be working up to it. What if he got a hard on watching old car commercials? The brain and body do their own thing and we need to remember that what we see through the day has a great impact on us: commercials use sex, music is about sex, and we are drowning in its images and innuendos all the time. We do not even always realize it! The body is going to react sometimes and even he might be unsure as to why sometimes watching porn is a relief from all of that. He is not necessarily turned on by the woman in the video but the context: if the video is anal, she is a BBW, her enjoyment ect.

As for porn addiction, I am torn because I do not believe that sex is addictive: I think it is a symptom of something else. I went to bed once and left my husband watching porn only to wake up 8 hours later and he was still watching porn. Impressed? No. but that was how he chose to spend his night on what I assume was a good run of videos or he had the particular itch to find the ‘one’ video but didn’t. Of course I thought there were better things he could have done with his time, namely me, but I am not his mother – I am his wife – and with that comes with an understanding of the above. He might have had a particularly hard week at work, he was unable to sleep, but he was not out spending our money on hookers, booze or strippers so I feel rather okay with it being just bandwidth. I pick my battles.

If he were to do that every night, certainly I would say something but often it might feel as though someone is watching porn all the time when really they aren’t: again it is about the search. My husband does not use a cell phone with internet capabilities, he doesn’t watch videos at work and he works 12 hours shifts – so yeah when he comes home it might seem like he is spending a lot of time watching porn but it is no different, to me, than if he were to go out with the guys: he is unwinding with mindless garbage.

I have watched porn with my husband but I have also ruined it for him: I made a comment about a girls pussy lips looking like a week old roast beef sandwich and he hasn’t gone to Arby’s since. I tend to be an obnoxious ass, make jokes, mock the actors and really it was just something we did to laugh at together – certainly you could find something to watch with him and if you are unsure I always suggest starting off with a good Parody. Not only will you laugh a bit but there is some sex in there to make that much more fun to watch together it could lead to sex but could also just be a bigger statement that you too are okay with porn.

DO NOT go through his cell phone or browser history if you are not prepared to see what is there – you cannot unsee something. I have used the PC after my husband and some rather odd searches have come up in the history so I showed him how to clear his search history. I still believe that porn is a private matter and not a social thing. I like watching porn alone. My husband enjoys watching it alone. We do not have separate computers so that is something else one has to take into account: the idea that two people are sitting side by side on the couch or in the same house, each of them on their own lap tops is foreign to me and a prime example of NOT doing something together. Do you text your friends and family while talking to him? Or watching a movie with him? Quality time is important, my husband and I eat together and do x amount of things together and sometimes I purposely retire to my bedroom to give him alone time: this is the time for him to watch porn not while I am sitting right there. I would feel alienated if I were in the same room as he surfed but just because it is sexual does not mean it is any different than being on facebook all day or texting.

I have talked to my husband about porn: I have explained that I think it is perfectly natural to watch it, that I respect his privacy and do give him that private time to watch it but I do not like it when he gets up to search for porn half way through a conversation or movie we are watching together. I have also explained that he has a time limit on molesting me afterwards if that is what he wants: do not wake me up at 5am after watching porn for five hours. A couple of hours after I have ‘gone to bed’ is fine. We had to accept that we both like watching different things: I like to be offended and the macabre, violent and he likes other stuff. I cannot ask him to stop watching what he enjoys or tell him what is okay to watch my only limit is: no kids and no real rape videos. We stumble on things out there in the virtual world, what we click on is something entirely different than we thought and I would hate to have something like that impact the way I feel about him and child porn/real rap videos would – to me these are NOT entertainment but actual crimes and that has very real world consequences being on the computer.

He understands and agrees. If he chose to spend his week holiday watching porn and sexually ignored me entirely that is something I would bring up, but I am a confident woman that is okay with instigating sex and okay with being told ‘not tonight’ hearing no does not send me into the bathroom to slit my wrists but rather treat myself to a long sensual shower and play quietly with myself. Along those lines I often go to bed early and warn him that I will be jumping up and down on him – so if he takes that time to watch a video first, okay with me. Sometimes I head him off and just tell him to come to bed with me, and that he can go back to watching his show after I am done with him. If you do not try how will you know he might rather fuck you than watch a video? Sex need not be an hour long to be good and intimate. Consider too other ways of being intimate: I once gave a guy a hand job while he watched porn.

The other thing is, I trust him completely so if you need to address other issues in your marriage separate from porn as they are not all relative: my husband has been suffering from gallbladder issues for over two years and it has impacted our sex life so watching porn for him was again just a way to feel good and a way to relieve the sexual pressure he was feeling: ie turning me down/not being able to perform. It can be escapism sure but we all have our ways of doing that: shopping, eating, and chatting. So use caution as you do not want to accuse him of something you might be doing on another level: we all want to feel good we just go about it differently, this is about two people still feeling good together and finding ways in which to do it.

My husband however is not sitting in a chat room talking to a naked girl on cam or jerking off with a stranger, we have had talks about that as a separate conversation, porn on some level seems so relatively harmless to me when compared to other things he could be doing: he does not go out to strippers, he doesn’t pay whores and he is a loyal creature that is not about to cheat on me because he has said it would be too much work. So you really should get some perspective on this. You see, serious conversations with our partners can happen, we can make light of them, we can figure things out if we approach the conversation knowing where we stand first: loss of control and emotions can only harm the conversation and outcome. I would stay clear of accusing him of doing something wrong or bad, making him feel guilty or dirty because then it can be become about him asserting himself, and that will only piss you both off but instead present your feelings once you have them sorted out logically in a way that he can understand.

I think you would both be impressed with yourselves if you tried! Best of luck, this was a great question and thank you for letting me post it on my blog. If you want please feel free to contact me anytime.

Cheers

Pyx

8 comments on “Pyx answers her mail: men and porn in a marriage/relationship

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    This was a great answer, Pyx! I don’t think women fully understand why we might watch porn instead of making our own porno – and there are a lot of reasons. My ex actually watched more porn than I did; often, we’d watch it together and critique the on-screen performances, rolling our eyes and laughing our asses off.

    I currently have maybe 1,000+ pieces of porn – I collect them, believe it or not. I’ve maybe watched 100 of them over the last decade – decade. I watch them for inspiration because I write erotica and I wanna know what the studios think turn people on – then try to put something into words. I watch it to improve my ability to appreciate the beauty of people having sex. And, being a guy and all that, I do like looking at cocks and pussy – I mean, who doesn’t? My lady knows I don’t need to watch porn to get amped up to do her – all she has to do is walk past me and I wanna nail her right on the spot. My lady tells me that if I didn’t take a peek at my collection, she’d think something was wrong with me.

    Hell, she’d get miffed with me faster because I blog than she would if she saw me watching two guys nailing each other!

    Just one man’s response. I wish there were women who didn’t take our watching porn as a personal affront to them… but one sad truth is that a lot of men watch porn because their lady rarely wants to have sex with them so if you can’t do it, at least you can watch it.

    • Pyx says:

      Why thank you Kdaddy,

      I loved watching with friends – we would have a porn theatre 3000 kind of night in our movie room (back in the uni days with my ex) and another couple would come over and watch it with us… we would just bust our guts. I do so love it when they try to act. love it!

      nice. yeah the collector thing makes sense and I guess if I were a guy it would be all too easy to point at my wife’s closet LOL because yes, it is not always about using what we have but just having it. knowing it is there. and there are still people that only do video sharing – so the fetish is definitely there!

      I appreciate the male response, it helps us all get it a bit better and know that there are as many reasons as to why we watch it than there is video options!

  2. I’m not opposed to porn and I wish I could believe what you have written here, but for some men it IS a personal insult to the woman they are with. My ex husband wouldn’t have sex with me, hardly at all, and said it was because he had a “porn addiction”. He preferred porn to me and wanted me to behave and look like the women did in the porn he watched, which wasn’t me at all. I’ll never be a dominatrix. I don’t have it in me and can only get turned on when I’m the more submissive partner with a man. Yes, I can fake it for a quick minute but it won’t last long and it turns me OFF.

    He said, during our divorce, that he had never been sexually attracted to me, even though he found me physically attractive. His fantasies included things like sleeping with a fat girl (I couldn’t get truly fat if I tried- I’m curvy but have always been slender) and I also found that he’d been looking at female bodybuilder types. Well, I’m far from that as well. By the way the woman he is dating now is very overweight so I guess he got what he actually wanted.

    Because I wasn’t his fantasy porn woman he didn’t want to fuck me. Sadly there are other women in the world who have gone through a similar issue. I follow a blog of a woman whose husband won’t sleep with her and have heard comments from others as well. I think sometimes, especially men who are sexually inexperienced, build up a fantasy in their head from all the porn they watch and compare it to real women and we just don’t measure up.

    Sure there are guys like Kdaddy who can watch all the porn they want and still be interested in actual sex but we cant say that about everyone. SOME men live in their head and the fantasy for them is better than reality. So for women who are being neglected due to his porn collection, yeah we are going to get butthurt.

    • I should add that the woman he is with now also bosses him around, like he wanted me to do but I couldn’t. So sometimes a guy’s taste in porn does indicate what he is actually wanting….. I know a woman who said all her husband wanted to watch was porn involving anal sex and that is all he wanted to have with her. He wouldn’t have regular sex with her and yeah she was hurt by it but obviously he only wanted his fetish.

    • Pyx says:

      You do not need to believe anything I write, I am not here to change or convert anyone but rather share my experience: that does include the fact that we sometimes take things personally and we make things personal. You are reading this entry from a different experience and I can appreciate that. I did not think it important to go into a list of medical conditions or psychological reasoning because rarely is that needed – we need more simplification sometimes and I would never suggest anyone psychoanalyze their partner themselves with aid from the internet. No two relationships are the same I am only able to know what I am given: if she complains about a lack of sex how do I know what else might be going on in their relationship? I don’t.

      I completely agree with you that a lot of women who have blogs have said the same thing and those are her feelings but sort of why I wrote this blog isn’t it? A woman will use 2 000 words to express the same thing a man uses 7 000 to explain. We are emotionally based creatures and we are only writing from our perspective not the whole picture or necessarily fact. You can find a million blogs by a million women that say the same thing ‘his watching porn hurts my feelings’ which in turn can be used to justify our hurt feelings but I have yet to read one that explains WHY. We seek out to understand why we feel the way we do and to know we are not alone but other people’s writing experience can wrongly impact our situation: try finding something written by men explaining it from their perspective, to them it is not about their wife’s feelings or personal it is about another sort of gratification. We read other women because we are women and this is just a blog with one more woman’s take on things.

      Now I do not know you and I certainly do not know your husband but from what you write in your own blog he certainly seems the sort that could easily justify hurting you on purpose with an excuse of addiction – just because he said he had one doesn’t mean he did. As to what he said to you throughout your marriage (about kids and cooking) and during divorce proceedings, men are like women; they do lash out and say things to hurt someone else when they too are feeling hurt but it doesn’t make it true.

      I am not saying what you experienced wasn’t real to you and that it didn’t impact the relationship and that some of the things he said were really shitty but even you would have to admit that it is very difficult to know what exactly is going on in our husband’s/partner’s head even when we are not talking about it directly: this is simply a starting point to a conversation couples might want to have with each other instead of assuming things about our partners. Something I think even you can admit you were denied in your marriage, a chance or ability to speak freely to your husband about sex. Why go into the conversation already pissed off an angry thinking he desires you less because he watches porn? Why have the talk at all, some women prefer to simmer and boil over and instead of talking take it out on men in other ways: he is not going to have sex with me after watching porn. Both of which are dysfunctional ways to approach it in my opinion.

      I can understand why a man would choose to watch porn over having sex: as I stated above, she is not going to turn him down, she is not going to complain, she is a great fantasy and for your husband he was obviously interested in a particular ‘thing’ than you were unable or willing to provide. Addiction isn’t a justification for escapism – but he certainly knew how to hurt your feelings to make you feel it was your fault – but from your own blog it sounds as though you two got married for reasons other than sexual chemistry and there was a religious aspect. Perhaps more on his part and I can imagine that through his own role as a minister, his deep secret desires, he was truly conflicted about his sexual role. What misfortune it is to learn about yourself only after you are married to someone incompatible but it does happen.

      It is very common for men to associate a woman size, hence the body builders or BBW, with force or dominance: he wanted to feel small or submissive in more ways than one and there is no shame on your part for not being able to oblige him. Maybe now he is with what he feels is a strong woman but it has not only to do with her size because as you say she is also the boss.

      I would never disagree that men are looking at something that gets them off, in fact why bother looking at it if it didn’t please them, I suppose if you read my entry again this is more about how to come to terms with it – does a good marriage need to come to an end simply because you are slender and he watched big strong girls? But I clearly state one really needs to look at things separately and realize the marriage might not be so good begin with. Porn is just one other thing causing friction. Don’t blame the porn for being uninterested in talking/trying things sexually with a partner is really my bigger point here – as you said, you have NO interest in being the dominant one sexually with him because it turned you off, you had no interest in being the boss outside of bed either, so what you had was a stalemate: two people not communicating or even try to figure out a way to achieve a goal together instead both trying to get their own way. You are both now making up for a lack of something in the marriage, it is very natural to do so: he has his big strong girl and you have lots of great sex!

      I still hold fast and true that it is a knee jerk reaction sometimes on our female part that we make it personal – if a guy is watching videos of anal sex all the time, maybe he does want to try it, his gf wont so he watches more and can become obsessed, again as I said in my blog we watch things from the outside looking in because we know we might not ever experience it but my question would be: is the female already in the mindset of not wanting to try it because that is all he watches? He only wants to fuck my ass because he watches those videos. What if he asked for it without her knowing he watched those videos? Does anal still turn her off? Would she be willing to try? Or does the association with porn impact her choices? Does that make sense? Sometimes we ARE reacting to the porn video.
      Hey there are a lot of girls out there who do not like anal and have partners that want it – if he was unwilling to have any other kind of sex with me, other than anal… doesn’t that sound like punishment to you? It does to me, and that is a whole other relationship struggle, not just a sexual one. Maybe you too were being sexually denied by your husband for not doing what he wanted and the videos were his way of dealing with that, instead of working it out with you. Horrible to have someone saying ‘you are making me do this because you wont let me have what I want’ but porn isn’t to blame, that is more about the person than the porn. Did your husband hurt your feelings? Sure sounds like, but your feelings were already hurt before the porn came around and that was just fuel for a fire/fight.

      We all get lost in fantasy, even your blog and mine is a testament to that: what we dream of and fantasize about is not always how it will turn out for us in real life. Who is to say once a guy got what he thinks he wants he would want it again?

      It is a difficult thing to train the brain to look at things objectively and put aside emotion when our feelings are already hurt, but it takes some practice but people can do it. We do not identify with porn stars because they make US feel something, but you cannot disagree that some women see them, or their action (though it is a job) their bodies as competition for their own partner’s attention. My point is take a look and see if that is how you are coming to the situation before talking to one’s partner.

      If a man were sitting and reading 50’s Shades of Grey as women are, would it be more acceptable? as I said before, because it is video on some level for some women are reacting to that: not just the content but the woman IN the video and it is a good idea to know what is going on before accusing a partner of doing something they might not be doing or know they are. A book, blog or movie scene can turn you on and you can bring something up with your boyfriend, why is a porn video such a bad thing? And for some women it is a negative thing having their partners watch porn it makes the woman feel something.

      You once wrote an entry about the Proff, you had seen him before he was on his way to see the married woman – I believe in the entry you tried to kiss him while he was driving and he moved away and this had really upset you. As an example of what I am saying here today I would say to you: you were already upset BEFORE you tried to kiss him, perhaps didn’t realize it, but that moment was what your brain needed for you to justify or act on those emotions but you were already hurt and feeling all those things that came afterwards. It wasn’t that he turned away, that he didn’t want to kiss you while driving (seems logical to not kiss people while driving non?) you were really upset that he was going to see her.

      See what I mean? What we feel in the moment is sometimes delayed reaction to something else and is not always what we are truly upset about. So I keep that in mind while reading other blogs and giving advice and would always suggest men and women take the time to sort this out before accusing their partners of something.

      I’m always pleased when you pitch in you certainly have an … different approach and experience which I find helpful to others. Thank you.

      • Hey Pyx…I didn’t mean to criticize your writing because I think there are men who are like you describe. I think what you wrote is great and valid for a lot of men. Usually it’s the ones who have also had a decent amount of sexual experience and can separate the porn from reality. For men though that have been watching porn for a very long time but have little experience with real, live, women I think it can be a whole nother ballgame.

        I posted on a forum for a few years that was primarily for men, talking about how to get women, sex and relationships. Several times I saw men come in and complain that they had a difficult (didn’t want to say “hard”, heh) time enjoying sex with a woman when they were so used to a more hardcore type of porn that they watched regularly.

        This was generally guys who had very little actual experience with women and sex, like my ex husband- he’d only had sex with two people prior to me and I don’t think it was very many times. The more experienced guys would counsel them but didn’t seem to find it an issue at all, though some would say to watch less porn if they wanted to improve their sex life and motivation.

        I really do believe that my ex saying those things as we divorced was finally telling the truth. I’d FELT like he was not attracted to me our entire marriage but he’d never admitted it. I’d also never seen any actual evidence of porn in our home. The only thing I ever saw was once, while we were dating, a picture that he had ripped out of a black Victoria’s secret model in the trunk of his car and the bodybuilding videos as we were divorcing. Interesting to note that his new girlfriend is also black. I don’t know what their sex life is like but I do see her complaining about some of the same things that bothered me when we were together so I think at this point he is treating her similarly to how he did me in a lot of ways.

        When we were married I never knew anything of his sexual desires, not until we were getting divorced and it all came out. I didn’t know that he considered himself addicted to porn until about 6 years in, after which he told me that he’d gotten help, talking to the pastor and wasn’t doing it anymore (going to booths in the porn shop). So it wasn’t like I was clued in enough to come at him all angry and blaming the porn. That was all confessed later on. He would never tell me what kind of porn he watched and just said it was basic sex until the end when he admitted to fantasizing about a dominatrix.

        All I knew is that he never came on to me. He never once initiated sex, even though I asked him many times to do so, that I didn’t like being the one who initiated all the time. I also had hurt feelings over being rejected when I tried, that made me try less and less. When I asked why he didn’t take control in the bedroom or told him I really liked it when a man ravished me he’d just brush it off. When I asked why he hadn’t gone down on me he said that was for lesbians and as far as giving him blow jobs he said it made him feel guilty when I did so, so eventually I stopped.

        During the divorce he admitted that he would like it if I slept with other men, while he was at home or possibly videotaped it, but it was too late and I didn’t trust him enough to do so. Only once do I remember him wanting me to spank him, like over my knee and I was so totally repulsed but I did it anyway and didn’t complain. That was closer to the end of the marriage as well.

        So he had all these fantasies that maybe I would have realized had I been able to see what kind of porn he was watching. I do think that is often an indicator. So if a guy is watching a bunch of porn involving blonde women and that’s all he seems to like and I’m a brunette, well, I’m going to wonder if I’m not what he actually wants. Or if all the women are black and I’m white….well, I wonder what’s gonna happen the first time he has an opportunity to sleep with a black woman? When people have an opportunity to indulge a lifelong fantasy are they really gonna turn it down?

        The guy who was obsessed with anal, his wife said they had anal sex all the time but that it had gotten to the point where he refused to fuck her the normal way and she was really hurt. So it wasn’t like he was lacking in the anal sex department, it had instead become a fetish. Only she didn’t share in that fetish so his behavior was upsetting her and they finally stopped having sex altogether and she had an affair, while she said he was always watching anal porn, usually involving Asian women, which she wasn’t.

        So if a guy is obsessed with watching porn all the time and I’m being denied MY desires because of it, yes I am going to resent that. Yes, then the porn actresses become competition and it is upsetting that he is watching it. I have heard many a woman complain that her husband was watching porn at a time when she wanted to have sex and denied her because of it. Well, that would be like me denying him because I’d rather play with my vibrator, so…go fuck yourself. Only I can’t imagine ever doing that to a guy.

        As for trying to kiss the Prof while he was driving, we were on an empty little side road and he was like at a stop sign. I really think it was a sign that he was starting to pull away and I picked up on it. Why would he be like that at a time he knew I was vulnerable, before he was going off to fuck someone else? He was refusing to give me reassurance that things would be okay, that we would still be together afterwards. Ultimately he used that time to abandon me and I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t planned beforehand. Usually when someone dumps you they have been thinking about doing so for awhile. At that point I actually wasn’t upset yet and was trying to steel myself for their upcoming session, to NOT get hurt feelings.

      • Pyx says:

        Oh god I do not feel that you criticized me at all, in fact I like your input – you have experiences I do not and other might. Blogs like this can make me feel like I have written too much but want to say more – that sort of came out in my comment to you, but that is because I do enjoy the back and forth with people.

        She sounds like the polar opposite to you – it must be sort of amazing to see (outside of oneself) how he is going about things and not too funny (but kind of an aha moment) that she might be experiencing the same things you were: he thought that was what he wanted, got it, and turns out it isn’t the women fault for everything after all.

        It’s funny you mention the young guys on the message boards because I remember being involved with a young guy that kept mentioning what he saw in porn and wanted to try and I had to keep reminding him that ‘stunt cocks and stunt cunts’ are not the every day reality of things – so if he wants to have that sort of sex he had fucking better fuck like a porn star! Might be why I stay clear of some younger guys I mean, I do tend to go for men with some actual female experience and a history of contact, not just the virtual or fantasy.

        You know you are always welcome to say what you think here, even if it is not something we might see similarly because I certainly stand behind discourse including individual perspective, opinions and feelings on things. I don’t argue with people, in fact I like the differences between folks on blogs – the world would be dull if we were all the same besides us women come from things differently, had this been a guy writing me – I would have to wonder if he would be bothered at all that his wife only watches porn and doesn’t fuck him. LOL

      • kdaddy23 says:

        I know – because I’m a guy – that there are some men who watch porn because they either lack real-world experiences or because they get to see people having sex in a way that they’re not able to… and that’s a problem that I don’t think some women understand, not that I’m knocking women by saying this – just trying to help the ladies understand the male mindset about this topic.

        I’ve been at ‘porn parties’ with guys and have heard them say, “Damn, I wish my wife/girlfriend would let me do that!” I’ve heard guys lament that when they’ve tried to do some of the stuff they’ve seen on the screen, their woman has just totally freaked out. Some guys have been quite angry and frustrated; they’re sitting there watching the kinds of sex they’ve always wanted to have and it’s not ever going to happen. I realized, listening to these guys bitch and moan with their dicks hard, that (1) they didn’t really understand how men and women can be so horribly different about sex and (2) they didn’t get that what they were watching is a gross exaggeration of what people do on a daily basis.

        But knowing this doesn’t help men, does it? I know that women get sexually frustrated… but when men do, well, sometimes they watch porn – think of it as wishful thinking. Then, when their woman get offended by his ‘addiction’ to porn and asks why he watches it so much instead of laying the pipe to her, how does he tell her that he watches so much porn because he knows for a fact that she is never going to have sex with him in a way he’s gonna find terribly exciting?

        At the porn party, we were watching a scene where a girl was blowing the shit out a guy until he came in her mouth. Almost every man there said, “I wish my girl would do that; I can barely get her to suck my dick to begin with!”

        A threesome scene came on and those dudes lost their fucking minds, again lamenting their regrets that they’d never get a chance to have two women to play with.

        A semi-bi scene was part of another flick; as two guys were blowing each other, I heard one guy say, “Shit, I’d do that just to get my dick sucked…”

        Sometimes, I don’t think women either care or understand how the lack of sex – or the chance to fully express desires – really fucks with our heads and never in a good way. Again, I’m not knocking women – I’m just telling you what I know. If we’re not getting it in the way we think we should, we either sulk, think about cheating to get what we want… or watch tons of porn.

        Some guys with little experience will indulge heavily in porn just so they can learn some shit and see just what they’re missing; I don’t think there are too many guys who haven’t used porn as a form of sex education – the media I used was my father’s ‘dirty books’ ’cause it was the only porn available other than 8mm film. But even in this, their heads can get pretty messed up and instead of getting them hyped to get more experience, it can make them sullen and uninterested because even though they’ve been educated and motivated, they just can’t pull the trigger, like in Lovergirl’s situation with her ex-husband.

        It can be a major clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks and there’s no simple answer to this. Women should try to understand that we’re some really visual dudes – seeing sex really gets the juices flowing and while it’s a nice aphrodisiac for us to suddenly jump the old lady’s bones, sometimes we watch it just for the visual stimulation – it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the lady… but she’ll see this as him being disinterested in sex with her. If he is, it’s because what he’s watching is much more exciting than whatever he can do with her; if he wanted to nail her in the butt, she’s not gonna want to do that; if he wanted to cream her tonsils, nope, ain’t gonna happen, fella.

        Of course, if porn has such a high position in a relationship, it’s not only his fault but hers and an utter failure to communicate and work to get on the same page. Ladies, no offense, but we spend a lot of our lives listening to women tell us what they’re not gonna do sexually – a lot more than you do, I suspect. And if you understand any of this, then you can also understand why your man would rather watch “Mandingo 8” instead of having sex with you; for us, it’s a lose/lose situation… but at least we can watch someone else getting laid.

        Yes, ladies, it’s your body and you have the right to decide how it gets used… and all this shit I’ve written can be seen as helpful information when you’re asking why he loves watching so much porn and more so if you have made it clear – and in no uncertain terms – what you’re not gonna do. If it pisses you off that he watches porn so much, um, what, if anything, are you gonna do about it other than bitch at him about it and try to get him to not watch it?

        Fellas, in case you think I forgot about you, you need to talk to your woman about the sex you want to have with her, even if you don’t believe it’ll change her mind because if you don’t do it, you’ll never know if she can be convinced to change her mind.

        Shit, in this, everyone needs to stop being part of the problem and start being part of the solution…

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