So it took me a day short of a week to write the whole thing out. Not only because for a couple of days following the event I was still in fact having little aftershocks of orgasms but writing it down and thinking of it, got me all hot and bothered over again. I would have to stop and rely on memory recall to help me and my vibrator with the writer’s block. Actually funny thing is, two days later when I used my vibrator I could not get off with it – odd.
My girlfriend called me on Sunday after my date and wanted all the gory details of which I obliged her – she just had a baby two months ago so I can understand the vicarious sex thing. She has known me for some time and took great pleasure in driving home the obvious fact that I am, on some level, uncomfortable with tenderness. She had a good time making fun of me ‘he made love to you!’
The notion freaked me out a little bit, I cannot say that I have ever ‘made love’ to someone (not even my husband) or let them do it to me, the idea has always been rather silly because though you love someone – sex is still sex and I only slightly joked back that “PC love raped me against my will” but the whole thing is just another level of poly that we sometimes reach. I certainly haven’t been here before, even though I was with WLD for ten years but this does not feel dangerous or risky to me. In fact this, and I, feel very natural with PC. Maybe PC did do the whole making with the love thing, maybe he didn’t and I didn’t want to think too seriously on it but why else would the whole thing feel different than any other time…
Oh fuck it. I have a hard time finding it within me to complain about a man that cares enough to be so intimate with me let alone focus such wonderful attention in my regard. The only thing that truly bothered me is my nature to be aloof and overlook certain things that should be noted and reciprocated. PC is not made of rice paper; he would certainly not mistake my inability to notice something as a commentary on his abilities or take it personally to mean I do not care. I hope. I would hate to make someone feel bad after something nice took place.
So there I thought about it this much.
The best part of the whole affair is actually talking to PC about it afterwards. He is a great guy and I think knows I am less equipped than other women – my girl brain is not always resolved with being a girl brain and has a hard time letting go of logic and simply enjoy what is – so I tend to talk through or fuck my way through any emotional struggles. On some level I hope he finds it entertaining and it makes him laugh, worst case scenario it feeds his ego but even then it is well deserved. There are no intentions from either of us to manipulate the other and I like his maturity about the whole thing; I don’t tell him these things because I want something from him, I tell him because they are true and he deserves to hear them. Okay sometimes I do get something from it but that is just a bonus; what girl doesn’t like to hear she is sometimes masturbatory fodder. See now I am getting myself all hot and bothered again.
We talked about my potential difficulties in finding a PC replacement in the future, because what poor sod wants to follow this guy? Seriously. And I felt good knowing that he knew my affection for him is genuine but I am not delusional with fantasies of us ridding off into the sunset together on horseback. I don’t know what other girls are like but I do know I don’t want guys associating me with them. I love the guy but again it is in a ‘’I would be sad if you got hit by a school bus” sort of way and having been around the world in some of the shittiest places there are – a love for other people, another person, is truly not the worst of things to happen to mankind. I happen to be in a position, or rather several, to show it and for that I am truly grateful and fortunate.
However I am still convinced that a Voodoo priest put a spell on me and sent this guy into my life or there is a little alien in there wearing a PC skin suit. I should make more of an effort to enjoy the whole newness of it and not keep putting up physical and emotional blocks but that is just how I was made at the factory and any upgrades come to me via human contact as the one I have experienced with PC. Since being with him I dare admit that I am getting better with showing my husband some affection: I do not do the hand holding stuff but I have certainly stopped more often throughout the day to show him I love him, a kiss or something. My default position is ‘I am here so therefore it means I love you’ because why the fuck would I be if I didn’t?
So there you have it, a sexual symphony is four movements that has not done the actual event justice but has definitely left an impact on me and now I feel like masturbating and smacking him again – go figure.