Q: I am an experienced dominant male that is having a hard time finding a truly submissive woman, I have profiles on the usual sites, meet them and things seem to work out for a while but then they all seem to come back with a list of demands or want to change the arrangement. I am sure you have run into this but I ask how is that submissive?!
A: Oh man I am going to burn at the stake for this one. First of all, before we get on with the Master/slave bull crap let’s all own up to something: we are individuals, men and women, before we are titles. So it is important to approach any BDSM exchange with this at the forefront. You are negotiating with a female human being.
One has to be clear if they are submissive/dominant sexually or personality wise: only you can define your sexuality and then define what Domination/submission means to you. Some people are only submissive sexually (in the bedroom) so if you are looking for someone to move in, do your laundry, make you dinner and keep house then be clear about that right away.
Just because she says she is submissive sexually does not mean she fucks just anyone so if you think that submission means a woman does whatever she is told simply because you are the man or the Dom well I have some bad news for you – not even mail order brides give it all up. Slavery, even in third world countries, comes with price. Don’t get me wrong, what I mean is even with millions of dollars there is no way you are going be the one completely responsible for the care of another human being: medical, shelter, clothing, food… so what you offer upfront is going to impact what you are offered in return.
Be realistic drop the idea of ‘true’ or ‘real’ as an indicator of ability to serve you well because she will only look upon you with the same characterization and you will fail: a truly dominant man would not lose control over his female. See what I mean? Not very pleasant is it. Nowhere in the free world have I to meet a woman that has a job, an education, bills, children and is sexually independent that would give all that up simply because a guy calls himself a ‘Master’.
If you are offering an hour here and there of casual tie me up to the bed post and spank me, well what do you expect her to do other than that? If you are asking for a long term commitment in your service you had better be willing to offer her the same, in service to her or else it would seem that her service is over after an hour’s time.
Just because a woman says she is submissive does not mean she is and just because a guy calls himself a Master or Dom does not mean he is either. My grandmother once told me something that has stuck with me long before my sexual life even started ‘some women play with sex to get love, some men play with love to get sex’ and I think it can apply here as well: some women play at submission to get love and some men play at Domination to get sex. Make clear to yourself before you demand of others if what you are after is in fact just some kinky sex or if you are looking for a partnership with kink in the mix.
Look I don’t know you and profiles on every kink site in the world is not going to help you out with this. For every woman with a shopping list of ‘must have’ there are just as many men. This is really about two people meeting under the pretext of having kink in common. I mean there is no way we are going to find someone with the exact same interest and even if we did there are no guarantees that we would end up being compatible – so I suggest putting aside the list of must haves and contacting women that have qualities you admire in a partner not based on kink interests. Some of my most pleasurable encounters in kink have been with people that on paper would appear to be opposite me. If you just want the kinky sex thing then tell them what you have to offer and your limits: it is not a bad thing to be honest.
Now I say this with all due respect and do not mean to offend anyone here – if for any reason half way through ‘getting to know someone’ you decide to change the rules, your ‘submissive’s’ apparent change of heart is only a reflection of your own. My fundamental belief and rule has always ever been that they are a representation of my abilities as Mistress. I know it sucks, because you would almost think that is it a huge part of your ‘role’ as Master that you have a right to change your mind but you don’t. This is someone else’s identity we are dealing with here and changing the rules of engagement can be taken personally and once a woman has her feelings hurt… good luck getting her to trust you again.
Man or woman there are people out there with a romantic idea of what BDSM is, no whip could ever remove that layer from their skin so don’t waste time going about changing someone’s idea – and don’t present yourself as someone you are not in order to get a foot in the door – learn to see the signs before you waste your time and hers. It is on you to choose responsibly just as it is on her, when stuff like this fails both parties should take on some of the responsibility – the rest of us look to see how you both carry it and that can mean a lot to the next potential submissive watching. Breaking the bonds of service means just as much as creating them; so keep the bitching down. It is unattractive in men and doubly so in ‘dominant’ males that claims to be able to live up to another human beings expectation and bear the responsibility of it.
Most important of all is just because you say you are does not mean you are. I had a university professor that once told us ‘if we act it we will become it’ and I wanted to slap her then as I do now. This is bullshit! I do not care if you have the best of the best leather whips and cuffs, chains and fetish gear, beds and machines, that stuff is only accessory. So before you go out about the virtual land of Masterdom and judge others in regard to their worthiness, look at where it is you stand because I assure you I do not need a tool in hand to engage someone submissively.