Other peoples people

Pyx picture: Montauk NY

Pyx picture: Montauk NY

I have no idea what mood I was in when I read this or where I picked it up. I did however make sure to cut and paste some of the article though I have no idea who Ward is or what his show is about.

‘[…] It’s commonly believed that the number-one problem plaguing relationships today is money.But according to Steve Ward, executive producer Tough Love, it’s another issue that’s dooming modern couples:

other people.

“People fail to realize that the actual definition of intimacy is sharing secret knowledge with another person. So if all of a sudden, the things that you guys are talking about or arguing about or falling in love over or any of these things are now public information that everybody out there can possibly read and understand, it really does degrade the level of intimacy in your relationship. My number one suggestion is keep others out of your relationship. Your relationship is for you and that person and stop getting everybody else’s opinion of your relationship, unless you’re unhappy.”

I do not think this guy is wrong.

6 comments on “Other peoples people

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    Hmm, I don’t know what dictionary he used but his “actual” definition of intimacy is incorrect – doesn’t say anything about secret knowledge. At some point, when you start getting into serious relationships, everyone tells you to keep other people out of your business. Ah, but with social networking, it seems to be a matter of course for some folks to put their business out there for others to get into,huh?

    Outside of social networking’s lack of etiquette in such things, how does one go about keeping people out of your relationship? It assumes that you’re willing to trash every friendship you (and your partner) have when you flat out refuse to respond to questions about your relationship even when your closest friends ask, you know, those select few that you’d feel safe telling them stuff?

    See, it doesn’t matter who might get all up in your business because, if you’re smart, you already know that the responsibility for running and maintaining your relationship is entirely up to the two of you and that while other people will be tossing in suggestions and the like, it can be ignored in favor of the better judgement you and your partner have worked out.

    If one asks a close friend about their relationship, I wouldn’t say that it’s because of unhappiness; the number one culprit, if there is one, is having some uncertainty about the relationship or even the person you’re in the relationship with. The most obvious question here is, “What should I do?” Sure, maybe you’re supposed to be smart and intuitive enough to be able to answer that (or any like question) yourself… but what if you aren’t? There are a lot of what if’s going on in this and once you figure out that you and/or your partner can’t answer important questions about the relationship, if you’re keeping other people out of it, um, who do you turn to? Not only that, but if you, say, ask your parents, what are you gonna do, leave out stuff that may be important? A lot of us do find out that in this case, if you provide half-assed information, you’re gonna get a half-assed answer.

    I don’t think the guy is right at all; what he says is too pie-in-the-sky, a good way to handle your relationship in theory but in application can be just as devastating as having other people in the business of your relationship. Pie-in-the-sky isn’t going to feed the bulldog… and I’ve yet to see where it really works in a relationship – reality can be a really harsh teacher. No, you don’t have to put your issues with your partner on Facebook for all to see – that’s inherently stupid and I believe that anyone who does this needs to have their ass soundly kicked because, yeah, there are some things you just don’t tell everybody on the whole damned planet.

    And, finally, even if you strive to keep other people out of your business, that’s not going to prevent other people from trying to get into your business.

    • Pyx says:

      I think his comment goes right to the point of addressing new media and it’s impact on relationships – even if we do not consciously realize the influence. Surely you and I can agree that we have a certain amount of life experience before this instant virtual medium came into play, but not everyone can say that. And I am not meaning to sound like an old sea salt here but maybe I have to accept that I am; what you write in your blog can impact other people including the people you love.

      Not everyone possess enough self-awareness to not take what friends and strangers say to heart: they allow commentary to impact what they are feeling. Take something written in anger or perhaps a moment of feeling vulnerable, and then a blog gets 20 comments –

      Example: a blog written in the moment of suspicion, the writer thinks their partner is cheating and writes out why. Half of the comments by strangers are talking about how their partner did the same thing and cheated. Some other comments simply suggest getting rid of the sod and moving on. A few might be of condolence for the writer’s turmoil. Someone might even suggest how to find out, or how to check their partner’s computer history and searching their phone.

      The writer then goes through each comment, considering what is said and responds: How can that NOT impact the writer? Do you think that the writer leaves their blog behind and feels better? Feels more confident in their relationship? Hell no! Dollars to doughnuts that person ends up feeling more like crap and then goes and confronts their partner in and even more heightened state of betrayal.

      I would ask why they are writing such intimate things in the first place but that is me.

      Now this guy is making a distinction between ‘friends network’ and actual friends. Sure you should have a best friend to talk too, we all need a good sounding board but I ask you this: have you ever dated a woman that had an influential best friend that was just a horrible human being? I have. Now multiply that by a thousand. Every other person today is wired in, constantly texting other people – they aren’t even that important to need such a device nor are they saying anything of great importance – they are ‘chatting’ the horrible thing about this new technology is this: it demands we be available to everyone instantly.

      Not to make things difficult but on what planet does texting someone, while they are at work or on a date, and demanding a response reasonable? But then I would ask you to find me someone who doesn’t get pissy when their Facebook request is denied or not accepted. I have read 5 female blogs just this week complaining of the same thing: he didn’t accept me and it hurt their feelings and the guy is not even fucking these women anymore!

      How does that not impact these women? One woman even went so far as to admit she cyber stalks her ex and has the audacity to post a comment on his web page knowing the new girlfriend will see it – actually admitting she hopes it causes them friction. That is an example of how we let other people in: WE ALLOW THEM ACCESS TO US BY SEVERAL DIFFERENT MEANS BY BEING EASY TO GET TO ONLINE.

      Gone are the day of breaking up and not seeing that person anymore – they are out there, they have our email, they know where to find us online and some of those people can not hide the crazy: they will do anything to fuck with people online. They wouldn’t show up at the persons door and say the shit they do online, so why say it at all? These are not sane people to begin with!

      My dictionary has “privacy, esp. as suitable to the telling of a secret” as a definition, and I have always taken the word to mean as much in regards to a particular relationship and not so much the act of intimacy (sexual context). I think this guy used it correctly. What secrets do we have, do we keep offline if we are Facebooking, tweeting, blogging and texting 20 hours out of the day. We arent that fucking special but yet here we are typing away about every little thing as it happens, even if it is not logical, reasonable or just down right wrong!

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Social media and impact; okay, even I don’t think that’s a good thing – I’ve always been amazed to sign onto Facebook and see in my newsfeed where someone is putting someone else on blast for relationship problems and then doing it without really understanding that a whole lot of people are going to see it – not just the person you were putting on blast.

        And, yep, some people do that shit on purpose so they can embarrass or humiliate someone and, really, at the root of it, it’s because they don’t know how to handle the issues in being in a relationship.

        If it’s about keep secrets, well, it does get interesting, doesn’t it? We can agree to disagree on whether he used it correctly (and without any ill feelings) because here in the 21st century, keeping secrets within the relationship is considered to be old school and, really, it is, going back to well before I was born. Today, the emphasis is on being open, not biting one’s tongue about anything they may say and, yeah, availability, which also plays into the instant gratification thing that’s been prevalent over the years; when I text you, no matter what you’re doing, you’d better stop and answer me, damn it, and if you don’t, I’m gonna tell all my Facebook friends about it – and simply because I can.

        Being from the old school, I know that I’d never behave like that; you just never air out your dirty laundry unless you have a damned good reason for it. The thing I learned – and social media notwithstanding – is that even when you’re trying to keep things in-house, people will put shit in the game for you with rumors, innuendo, and the like and to the point where you have no choice but to respond to it because if you don’t refute any of it, then it must be true and, believe me, perception is ALWAYS worse than the truth in such things.

        If anything, dear Pyx, I have an issue with how he said what he said. Today, being in a relationship is about being accessible to one’s partner and all that. If one is displeased to a great degree, fewer people are of a mind to keep their mouths shut about it – and today’s technology makes it so very easy to voice this displeasure to anyone who cares to pay attention to it. Now, if this is what he really meant by what he said then, yeah, I agree with him – people shouldn’t use social media or the Internet to solve their problems. Still, if the problem gets to the point where some ‘secret’ has to be revealed to others in order to assist in resolving it, you have a choice: Say something to somebody or be stuck with a problem you’re unable to resolve alone or with your partner.

        Unless you have mad, stupid problem resolution skills – and not everyone does – I don’t see how it can be avoided; it’s really about how you go about it. This reminds me of something I heard during an episode of “NCIS,” when Director Sheppard said to Gibbs, “If you want to keep a secret, don’t tell anyone; tell one person if you must but no one else – it stops being a secret at that point.”

        And just telling one other person can have devastating effects on a relationship… or it can be the answer to one’s prayers.

        Great talking to you about this!

      • Pyx says:

        I enjoy the back and forth because it makes me think: but it is relief to talk with people, who like me,might be ‘old skool’ but this guy is clearly running a reality TV show on Vh1 or something right? I mean not only the people on TV but even the producers want their 15 minutes of fame.

        Okay you are making me think of something and now will inspire a whole new entry! Bless you. hehehe

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    I have issues with people who toss out pie in the sky euphemisms that are great on paper but never as simple to execute as whatever they said appears to be. Like this thing we’ve been talking about: It makes sense; the less people all up in your business – and the more you refrain from putting your business out in the street, the less drama you’re going to have. However, people don’t all or even always behave like this. Even talking to your family about your relationship, which you’d think would be a wise and safe thing to do, can bring severe impact upon said relationship.

    I would have been happier with his statement if he had said something along the lines of try to keep other people out of your relationship but if they get in – and they will in some way – just remember that no matter what they say, the ultimate decision and choice is in your hands and then it’s a matter of how you and your partner deal with whatever you’ve decided to do. No one else should be allowed to make decisions in your relationship! You can’t stop them from providing whatever input they’re gonna give, whether it’s good or bad. You don’t have to read it or listen to it because their view of whatever situation you laid open to them is going to be very different; thus, your solution is going to be different.

    If your hubby is cheating on you, sure, you can ask someone what they think you should do about it; whether or not they’re giving you sound advice or not is something that you have to determine. They might suggest that you leave him or even cheat on him in a fit of pique and spite – and the problem really gets worse if you take that advice, even when you know that you really can’t afford to have the relationship fall apart.

    The thing is, at least from my old-school point of view, is that a couple should do their level best to handle their issues in-house… but if you need help, swallow your pride and seek the best help you have access to; not everyone you’ll seek help from is going to feed you a bunch of bullshit.

    Now I can’t wait to see what our dialogue has inspired you to write!

  3. PC says:

    At least after all that we got to…
    he’s a reality show producer and host. He worked as a matchmaker which even if he’s effective is more subject matter expertise in getting people together than the fall out.

    I think his biggest issue is confusing sources of conflict/disagreement with ability to work through them. Money is a major source of conflict. After all it’s just an abstract of value – what we work for and how we allocate that. It’s makes perfect sense that it would continue to be a major source of conflict since it’s the surrogate for much of what we value in the external world.

    Other people can be a source of that conflict. If they are part of the “package” some potential partners will not like it. But he seems to be talking more about the going to others to evaluate the relationship constantly. Seeking outside validation in times of disagreement or simply not being able to handle the relationship conflict without them. It’s not simply a binary proposition. Focusing externally for judgement about the internal relationship can also be a source of conflict at the same time it reduces the effectiveness of conflict resolution,

    Social media then is simply a mirror that let’s us (and everyone around us) see better what was there before anyway. In some ways it might be better if the relationship and relationship skills were that weak, that it ended sooner rather than later thanks to facebook, blog, etc.

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