Off limits

I had gotten this little offline message from PC and it was along the lines of: I think my night out turned into a date. Now of course I had to respond: how does a night out turn into a date? And if you are not sure we need to work on that. Want to hear all about it!

Pyx Picture 2013

Pyx Picture 2013

At first seeing his blue chat text I got a smile on my face but the content made me smile even more. He owes me nothing and I expect the same. He is a wonderful man that I could compliment till we all vomit but I truly do believe everyone should be happy – however they go about it. So as the day went on I began to think more on the fact that he was on a date, with a girl and told me.

I was pretty stoked, I mean he didn’t need to say anything to me at all and from what he tells me guys don’t ‘talk’ to each other the way girls do – turns out we girls are far more vulgar than guys are – so it was pretty cool he mentioned it to me at all. No matter how much the guys let me hang out with them, I will never be one of the boys, the boobs are just too obvious and that whole ovulation thing I have going on.

I was grocery shopping and started to think about the first time he actually went out with me. I am not sure I can consider it a date since I am married and really I didn’t expect him to show up at all but we got along as though we had known each other for some time. I imagine he gives good date. Okay I know he does. I can see how one thing can turn into another with him.

Then my girl brain kicked in; he is on a date with a girl. I know what you are thinking, my first instinct was not to piss on bushes or mark territory that is not mine but rather the reality that he could at any moment become off limits to me.

I found myself strangely turned on by the thought of it. He and I have never talked about what kind of girl he likes. What I do know and admire about him is that he is committed to his work while on contract, so I assumed he kept dating casual because he did not want to get involved seriously with someone he was going to end up having to leave. I have none of the other female delusions of grandeur; he has not not been dating because of me. In fact I could see how a married woman could benefit that kind of situation. There has always been the knowledge he would move away but I never thought about a girl being the end of things.

I started to imagine if there is someone out there that would get together with him and still be cool with me. Doubtful, even if hell froze over I do not see that happening nor would I assume he would even want too. I started to seriously ponder if there are other girls like me out there and how I should try and find him a couple but that was just me being selfish: no one really wants a girl like me, they might think they do, but I wasn’t thinking of that for him anyhow, I was only thinking that way for myself. I hate being so grown up sometimes about stuff like this.

As I reached into the large store freezer for something I was not only hit by the cold but by the fact that chances are good we could not manage to be friends if he found himself a woman: there is no way I could have him and a girl over for dinner with me and D and pretend that I had not ever fucked him. And it would not matter how great she could be, and I would probably really like her, I doubt that it would stop me from wanting to fuck him. It would be all over my face. I would not be able to keep such a secret, what if they showed up here for BBQ and he was wearing those shorts!

I became even more turned on. It would really suck ass if the last time I fucked him was the last time. Man I had such great plans. As my mind wandered through all those delightful fantasies that I have about him I kept coming back to the idea that today he could very well be off limits to me. Would my devious self actually just accept that? Would I do something I had never done before and ask to see him once more? Do people other than me even do the goodbye fuck thing?

I was getting far ahead of myself but as I said, girl brain had kicked in and instead of feeling what others describe as jealousy I actually felt a bit mournful. I will become a morose mother fucker when the time comes and I am not looking forward to finding a replacement. I don’t want one! I was in danger of actually mourning something that wasn’t even over so I forced myself to stop thinking about the whole affair but clearly my crotch was on fire already.

By the time he popped up online and began to explain the circumstance in which he found himself making plans with someone from work and how that then turned into a date or rather ‘had a date vibe’ I was feeling for them both. How much does it suck to meet someone you like or could like but because of a work contract that says you cannot date people in the work place – you don’t. The way he described how it all came about this girl sounded fun! Not only is she willing to bend the rules, I mean who would complain of a few dates, but she was actually the one that instigated the whole thing and managed to turn one event into two! Brava girlie. Though I am breaking some social convention by being with him I could certainly see myself in her shoes willing to break a few rules for his sake.

He is so – him. I mean his commitment and professionalism is one of the many things I admire about him but I felt like being the devil on shoulder about this: just do it! Hell, just do her! However he explained the whole ‘date’ thing to me there was no way I could make fun of his predicament. I didn’t make any obnoxious jokes and I have not brought up the subject again: I was visualizing this office vixen cornering him again into another date and he being unable to say no for fear of work place gossip. That was turning me on even more; pretty close to blackmail type sex if you ask me. If I were her I would.

Then there was the fact that he was even telling me this stuff at all. I believe we are friends, and surely I confide in PC but I imagine for him it probably isn’t something he could tell his friends. Sure the fact they too work with him and this girl could make things more complicated if he means to walk back the ‘date’ but then I like to think of the times he hasn’t told me stuff: I know my place and I like it, and when it shifts for the good I like it even more but I don’t want to take it for granted either.

I gave him girl advice once and I never asked if he took it or not because it really was none of my business nor did he offer insight to the outcome but to this day I will argue that I gave the best advice with HER in mind first and him second. Unless I am remembering incorrectly I had no yet become (seriously) sexually involved with him and only after my advice did our relationship evolve the way it has.  I think I began to feeling what humans call guilt: I did not tell him to stop seeing one girl because I wanted him to myself but the truth is she was probably feeling the way I do about him now. The only difference being she was single and I am married – oh jesus fuck was I an asshat? What if that girl was perfect for him!

I started to hope he was still seeing her and has just never mentioned it, and that he goes on dates often and never mentions them to me either and that got me even more turned on because whatever he does in his world the fact is he still shows up here and when he does he is a part of my world.

I am sure if I thought long and hard about it, there could be a logical explanation as to why after his ‘date’ I found myself turned on for several days: I like to think it is similar to surviving a dangerous situation, we fuck. People die and we go to funerals and then we fuck. We break up with people for very good reasons but sometimes even after the fact we fuck them one last time. What I do know is as soon as I read those words I wanted nothing more than to fuck him.



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