PC: there might be a problem with our plans next weekend…
Yesterday I had spent a considerable amount of time being concerned about something so when PC messaged me that our long weekend camping trip was not going to happen I was already in a particular mindset. Unfortunately that attitude might have left him with the wrong impression and this morning I felt bad. I will apologize to him later but for some separating emotions can be difficult – for me feeling bad about something is new.
Now let me say I was really looking forward to going camping with PC for several reasons, it was not only outdoor activity and the sex /snuggling by the campfire thing but time: uninterrupted. Spending the night with someone can be either nice or laborious but when you get the chance to do so with a lover it is not only rare but often significant.
I had been slowly gathering and packing my things all week. I am me; I pack a week in advance, unpack and then force myself to remove several items I really didn’t need then repack. There was no part of me that expected our plans to change and that is because he is not the sort to make plans and then cancel – he has been consistent and considerate in this regard. He explained as best as I could comprehend why our plans were canceled but he needn’t do so because I understood; when it comes to his career it is important that it come first.
The qualities that I value in people, particularly the men I get involved with are commitment, loyalty and a real attitude toward responsibility – not because they are getting paid to do it but because they care about what they do. My husband was called in to work the night after our wedding and even then I did not take it personally. It is funny to me that people often ascribe these qualities in others in regard to themselves: he respects me, he is loyal to me and he is committed to me but often complain of the same virtues when applied elsewhere and to others.
PC then made a ‘light hearted’ comment on how he was now relieved over an inability to view topographical maps of our camping area because of the Government shut down (National Forest
websites are affected) and that is when I felt a sting of something – but I am not sure what that was. Our chat was quite brief actually which is unusual. I left the conversation dangling because I was at a loss as to what to say. Neither of us said goodnight to each other and instead we just sort of walked off and let things go quiet.
I returned to my earlier concern and as I stood outside amongst my flock of prehistoric chickens I began to get rather peeved at my husband for having fed them a treat of worms against my will: I was trying to figure out a change in their behaviour and stood there blaming my husband. I watched as five deer ran into the pasture and then down at the dinosaurs pecking at my boots and admitted to myself that I wasn’t upset about my husband at all, I was actually disappointed that my plans got canceled.
I left the coop feeling a little defeated and decided to unpack and put my camping things away. I love being an adult but along with that comes the grown up stuff that isn’t always fun – being upset about one thing and of the disposition to make it about something else. This is where I outshine others who often fail miserably: I do not deny myself having felt ‘something’ but instead of letting it get the better of me I deconstruct the situation and have a need to find out the ‘why’.
What good would it have done me to throw a fit? Not a thing. I don’t believe in pouting or complaining when I have accepted someone and what they do in my life so as I put my things away I made fun of other people’s reactions they write about (or that I have witnessed) in such instances. I did not care about cost, if I purchased anything for this trip it will not go bad and surely I will use it again. So what, I spent x amount of time getting ready, what else was I doing that was so important? It did not keep me from other things nor did it require I inconvenience anyone else. It was okay to be disappointed, I was really looking forward to something but that did not explain what I was feeling.
I made myself a cup of tea and realized how much I have grown, not just in regard to my relationship to PC but in general. Yes I am older and I never fail to learn something new about myself but had this been four years ago I would have handled things differently. I would have called someone else up and invited them to go camping with me or made other plans to take advantage of my free weekend pass. Instead I felt no urge to do either of those things.
I thought perhaps his delivery could have been better but then I admire that he is straightforward and to the point. Maybe I was bothered that instead of offering any sort of lamentation that he too was disappointed and looking forward to our time together he chose to say he was relieved or rather my brain was focused on this word; it was in regards to a map and I know damned well he was looking forward to it as well. I wondered why he offered no substitution for our plans but then maybe he can’t and I certainly didn’t offer any options either. Nor did we speak long enough to reschedule.
Because my inclination is to be logical and understanding does not mean I without recoil. I let the conversation die a silent death because it is in my nature to do so when faced with the options of being vulnerable but would it have been so terrible for me to say how much I was looking forward to being with him and although I understood it was not personal I was disappointed? YES and NO. When he told me plans had changed my response was simply ‘ok’ because all the other stuff, the ‘feelings’, seemed pointless. Why talk about shit you can’t change.
I hate the idea that such ‘emotional’ communication could be taken for or possibly be manipulative
when clearly that is not my intention. I believe the less you say the less you have to be sorry for but then I woke up this morning feeling bad I didn’t say anything at all and how that could be taken out of context: this was not the ‘silent treatment’ which I hate and hope he didn’t take as such.
Some people have a hard time being mature about things. I have a hard time being intimate on an emotional level but I now know why I feel bad or at least I think I know why I feel bad: because he is the kind of man that would have appreciated hearing me say it. I think. Oh I don’t know but certainly there is going to be no harm in my apologizing and suggesting that we make plans for another time so he can build me a blanket fort and kiss me by a LED campfire light.
I am okay with blaming the American Government on this one. Fuckers.