Up until very recently I have been pretty set in my ways when it comes to having a lover; I have my own personal set of standards and self-regulation, I have the rules that my partner/husband and I set and then I try my best to take into account the preferences and wishes of my lover. Together they have always managed to seam together nicely – they still do – it is part luck, part consistency, communication and honesty founded in logical reality of all the people involved.
Casual sexual partners just fade off into the distance and there is rarely ever a need for a breakup conversation however lovers are far more deserving, considering the level of intimacy, of more than simply going away. I have always been proud of the fact that I have never: broken up with someone over the phone, in an email, letter or chat. I have always made myself available to have ‘the talk’ face to face. Even as painful as some breakups have been I would never deny myself or my boyfriend’s to civilly talk things through and to not deny the painful nature of parting ways; if I am hurting someone’s feelings I should be witness to it as I was witness to the pleasurable moments.
My faults in regards to relationships are many and this entry is certainly a testament to how I often communicate with people – I try my best to maintain a calm voice, logical argument, supported by facts and often give options and seek feedback. I am not new to the valid and well founded opinions that I am often: aloof, silent, methodical, compartmentalize people, and sometimes cruel. I do not like to argue but I do like resolution to come about swiftly with decisive action however if I am upset about something I do sometimes take time alone to think things through and this is because I am a deconstructionist; I have a need of rationality removed from emotions. So I have not written a blog for a while.
This is however not working at the moment. I feel as though it might be in part ‘getting older’ and other factors of my situation: finder a lover in the state of Indiana was difficult and took me several years and PC is a great person that along with my husband has provided me with a great sense of satisfaction in my life. As much as I like to poke fun at him for being more in touch with his emotion than I he has certainly been an influence in this regard – I just do not like what I am feeling but I do not think I am expected to do so.
The calendar turned to November and with approaching holidays and other time constraints I realized that I really only have a few more visits with PC before his contract is complete come new year. This is something I was always aware of but then again the depth of our relationship was not planned: I have no complaints and regret nothing.
My usual approach to such a situation is to plan ahead – since finding a lover in Indiana proved difficult my instinct is to start searching and slowly dating other people now so that come New Year, when he does move, I will have cut out some of that transitional time. This usually allows me to ‘back up’ and introduce a more casual space between me and a lover leading up to departure – it is not turning off an emotion, I am going to have a love for him regardless, but rather this is a process of protecting them. My ‘cooling things off’ instincts are very strong.
My other process in the past has been to cut things off at the knee – have a nice last visit with PC before he departs and the holidays arrive. This would release him of any pressure to spend time with me and is my usual philosophy of pulling the Band-Aid off quickly; there is an inevitable end coming so why wait and make all visits between that time about the coming end.
I do not stay friends with exes – they become exes for a reason and I have a very fortunate history of good men that have caused me no harm or violence against me. When an intimate relationship ends so does that intimacy and ‘being friends’ was not something I did in high school and holds no interest for me now. I remain civil with my ex-partner of 14 years but that is because it was 14 years: I do not chat with him and we very rarely talk.
It is also about my husband – he is not looking forward to having to find another guy to trust and that he likes. He is certainly not deserving of having to witness an upset wife, not that I am the emotional sort but I am often reflective inward and quiet. There was a great sense of relief when PC came along that my husband did not need worry about my being out there dating which is now inevitable.
You might think: simple just be happy with your husband and I am but this is how I have always lived my life, no one man replacing or compensating for a lacking in the other but all three of us managing to compliment the whole. I tried for two years to live monogamously with my husband and it failed miserably: we tried swinging and I did not enjoy it, though we involve other people in threesomes it was not the same as having someone to be intimate with. I felt incomplete, lost at times, confused, angry and began to resent the whole endeavour.
I have experienced a great sense of fulfillment of which my husband and PC deserve great accolades; they not only treat me with great dignity and respect but do so with each other. They are both honourable men that have managed to make me feel safe and important in their lives and treat me with the utmost patience; they are both of great quality in their own differences. I love them both dearly and my husband is and will be of great solace to me but I feel like I am about to lose a best friend in PC.
For the first time in what feels like an age I am having ‘feelings’ and I find them painful. I am not unhappy I am simply without control of the end result and the only thing in my control is what I do up until that time. I have made a choice to go against my modi operandi – instead of making the choice myself for me and PC I very poorly communicated as quickly as I could that I was having an issue; whatever I told him today did NOT come out as eloquently as this blog entry, in fact I lacked the right words with corresponding emotion to say much of anything. It was pretty horrible actually but he came back up online to talk with me which was nice.
I felt that I might have given him the impression that I was seriously looking for someone else when in reality I had decided that up until he moves I do not want see someone else if the notion did not bother him. I feel he does have a say in the matter – he too might prefer to end things now or that I begin to make plans for myself and some lovers take such a move as a serious commitment type dynamic and not a part of the original agreement … I very well might have also been projecting because this is all very new to me.
I was trying to explain that up until he leaves I might say things or act in a way that is opposite to what I decided because it is in my nature to do so. Basically I was giving him a heads up that I am an awkward freak when it comes to ‘feelings’ and ‘love’ and ‘boyfriends’ and generally thought it was best to say so before he notices it and thinks ‘what the fuck’ or worse I hurt his feelings.
So what he has proposed is I plan for a date on the weekend of the 23rd because he does have celebration plans that weekend and will be looking to get lucky himself. After that is Thanksgiving – so goes the holiday season and the upcoming end of his contract so his time is limited – and we will then see how we both feel and decide that I proceed with my modus operandi or I wait to date once he has moved.
I have agreed.
Right now the prospect makes me nervous: in order to save myself from more ‘feelings’ I have a predisposition to run into familiar territory where I do have control; this means a potential new relationship and a sexual one at that. I am not looking to fall in love with someone else, PC cannot be replaced and this will sound odd but right now it almost feels like it is tantamount to cheating or rather seems risky that it could change our current dynamic: which was what I trying not to do.
This will be interesting to say the least. I am curious to find out the results but remain confident that regardless of what happens he is more functional than I am with his communicating of ‘feelings’ but I am not going to choose a date I would normally not to bring about a bad result.
So the next couple of weeks you have to sit through my process of dating: insert evil grin.