Anger Dating Games

DarkholmMy friend M called and we were talking for while about this and that. “Something going on? You sound down in the dumps” he said. I didn’t think I sounded any different than usual, though I might have been speaking in monotone because I was expecting him to ask me once again if he could bring his married lady friend over. He didn’t ask but he is coming over and we will hang out which is good because I think a good sounding board is sometimes needed when I am trying to work out the ‘whole human nature’ stuff that often perplexes me.

I realized I am fucked if I sound bummed already so in typical Pyx knee jerk reactions mode I decided to do something about it: I called Alex back. He had called a few days after I gave him my number but I had no intention of it going anywhere. He answered the phone greeting me by name and it freaked me out a little but he explained that he knew it was me because that was where he had saved my number. He was driving and it bothers me when people talk on their phones so I told him he could call me back when it is more convenient.

Now I am not trying to write a he said she said type entry because I really could care less about such things but I am fascinated by my own reactions from an academic perspective so there is a need for such information. I will admit that most people do not approach emotional situations like this but it is how I manage.

So he called back and we talked for a while about movies and all sorts of things and what felt like out of the blue to me was nothing more than a natural progression of the conversation with intent: he asked if I would like to go out with him tomorrow night. I felt I had just been punched in the gut and if you have ever been in a no shit fist fight you will understand that a good first direct unexpected punch leaves you with a sensation of shitting yourself, puking and inability to breathe all at the same time. When you are able to breathe again you feel a surge of adrenaline and anger: I was now standing up in the middle of my living room.

“I would very much like to go out with you but tomorrow night I have plans with a friend” I tried to smile and soften my voice as I said it but I was feeling angry, stiff and outside of myself. “So how about Friday night, we could go see a movie and grab some dinner first” he said.  I get it he wanted a date and a time but the only thing I could agree to was “it sounds like a great idea, just let me check with my husband first to make sure he had no plans and then I can say yes” I was a bit quick with the delivery but I wanted to get off the phone. He was not being pushy, he was not being anything but polite and attentive but it all had the potential to piss me off more which might make me angry at him and I am not. “I will call you back tomorrow night, till then have a good one and thanks for calling me back” sigh of relief as I hung up.

What the fuck was that about? I will tell you as best as I can. I realized that I need to meet a real fucking jerk first; someone that I know deserves my disdain and will offend me. No matter who I go out with first is going to stand no chance. I just know it. I am going to not like him on principle because he is not PC. So why put a really nice guy in that spot? It is not their fault but if I am going to experience the The Kübler-Ross hypothesis I would rather be aware that is what is taking place and shit on someone who probably deserves it: I am obviously in the ‘angry’ stage.

So what do I do next? I brush my hair and log in to AFF and throw up my cam. I am not there to jerk off online, strange guy cybersex does NOTHING for me, but there are hundreds of assholes for me to take out my anger on. Mature? No but it was what was available to me unlike some girls I don’t eat cookie dough ice cream while watching Steel Magnolia or some shit. I’m a fighter so I figure the virtual struggle is better than my actually putting my hands on some poor sod; angry I hate you sex has its place but that is not yet the point of the exercise.

I briefly considered inviting someone to show up but instead I began to formulate my battle ‘date’ plan.

Issue 1: Let’s agree that Alex is a good guy so far, I have already seen him in the flesh, he asked about my arrangement and though he has never been a party to one like it before he still asked me out. He is educated smart, funny and we have similar things in common blah blah blah. So long term picture he might hold potential for a FWB once PC is gone and I am ready to ‘date’ again but he cannot be the first guy I spent time with alone or I will resent him for it.

I am going to meet someone else fist – being married and dating is no different than being single and dating because you are going to have to go out on dates and be disappointed a lot before finding something with potential that ‘gets it’. So I am going to choose someone to meet first, I will probably disregard him for simply showing up and make up really lame excuses why it would never work: omg look at those shoes is he serious? But it is a process right? I know it is going to need to happen so I will start here.

I have sifted through the shady ads on Craigslist and got back more replies than emails I sent out – I think a couple of guys wrote me back with 2 different emails but I will look in there for the next few days and reply to any that I think would work out for either my first meet or for a date on the 23rd. Sex is not off the table but there are too many unknowns and I hate to script anything out.

I will continue to log into our couples profile on AFF – this makes things really easy because they can see me right away, I can usually see them, and it saves me from writing emails only to find they are married or have 12 toes. Chat is instant but that just means I move through the variables quicker because this is still a numbers game any way I want to slice it up.

5 comments on “Anger Dating Games

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    Of course, my question is why are you angry? Ooh – here’s another! Do you always take your anger out on other people?

    • Pyx says:

      Oh sorry the Kubler-Ross hypothesis is of course known as the ‘five stages of grief’ though commonly referred to when dealing with death, it is my best attempt at trying to explain why I was feeling anger I can only surmise that some people do grieve the end of a relationship and I think we have all be witness to it in others. I am of course writing this stuff as I am trying to work it out: my only impressive lover died so I have never had ‘feelings’ like this before.

      Denial: well there was no denying that he was going to move, I always knew that but knowing this I chose to let things get as serious as they did because I would have rather loved him than not: I regret nothing. So skip to anger …

      Anger: I feel angry because this relationship is coming to an end – have you never been angry when you were dumped? PC is a great guy that I do have love for and has managed himself so well in this arrangement, to date he is at the top of the list when it comes to lovers and their roles. He has strangely become like a best friend and a part of my daily routine. Now I cannot deny the fact that moving to Indiana was a huge blow on my sexuality and after a very long time meeting PC was nothing short of pure luck, so yes I am feeling very inconvenienced that I have to pick through trash again to find someone: I have very little faith I will find someone as compatible, smart and sexy as PC. It is not just me losing PC but my husband as well but obviously I am the more emotional for it. It sucks. I am ‘feeling’ angry.

      Bargaining: well I have nothing to bargain with, PC is a wonderful man that deserves every possible happiness in the world and what he wants always matters. There is nothing here for him once his contract is done and it would be nothing less than a miracle if he found something fulfilling here and chose to stay: but I don’t believe in miracles and nor would he be staying for my sake, he can start a whole new life now and it need not involve me at all, so there was always an end to this someplace. So go back to anger.

      Depression: I believe I have a tendency to go through a process like this because I do not want to experience depression – for me there has to be some logical understanding of the facts and nor was I stuck in a fantasy. I have never suffered from depression before so go back to anger…

      Acceptance: I have and there is nothing I can do about it. So go back to anger…

      No I do not always take my anger out on people, usually I would have gone out and done something active (split wood with a maul or a long hike) but it was night and pitch black out. I have no issue with fucking my anger away but my brain is simply not there yet. Since I believe I am going to hate the first guy I meet anyhow, even if he was great, why not just be unimpressed with the complete douche canoes on AFF that insist on asking me to ‘get on your knees for master and show him your pussy’ guys like that deserve to be laughed at regardless and usually I ignore them. Go back to anger…

      • G says:

        I always love reading your thoughts as they help me work out some things in my own head. I feel like I’ve been in an anger stage a while, and now I’m just realizing that I’ve been grieving a relationship that is lost, and I denied the grief because I wasn’t allowed to have a relationship, I didn’t deserve to be sad or angry or in denial or anything. I just had to accept it. But it locked me up a little inside and I’ve been fighting to get some of that feeling back.
        Very interesting…

      • kdaddy23 says:

        My gods, woman! Oddly, I understand…

  2. 'Tis says:

    Brilliant! I think I’ve found a soul sister!
    I was telling someone recently that I think I’m missing a key female gene. I don’t do emotions how I see other women do emotions. I analyze them for their clinical value if any and then I move on.
    I have a disconnect sometimes where I know by society standards I should care about something, but I don’t.
    I’m so matter of fact, spit it out, get to the point about almost everything that I have to make a conscious effort to slow down and attempt to give a damn.
    This was really interesting to get a look into your mind and see how you view things.

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