My friend M called and we were talking for while about this and that. “Something going on? You sound down in the dumps” he said. I didn’t think I sounded any different than usual, though I might have been speaking in monotone because I was expecting him to ask me once again if he could bring his married lady friend over. He didn’t ask but he is coming over and we will hang out which is good because I think a good sounding board is sometimes needed when I am trying to work out the ‘whole human nature’ stuff that often perplexes me.
I realized I am fucked if I sound bummed already so in typical Pyx knee jerk reactions mode I decided to do something about it: I called Alex back. He had called a few days after I gave him my number but I had no intention of it going anywhere. He answered the phone greeting me by name and it freaked me out a little but he explained that he knew it was me because that was where he had saved my number. He was driving and it bothers me when people talk on their phones so I told him he could call me back when it is more convenient.
Now I am not trying to write a he said she said type entry because I really could care less about such things but I am fascinated by my own reactions from an academic perspective so there is a need for such information. I will admit that most people do not approach emotional situations like this but it is how I manage.
So he called back and we talked for a while about movies and all sorts of things and what felt like out of the blue to me was nothing more than a natural progression of the conversation with intent: he asked if I would like to go out with him tomorrow night. I felt I had just been punched in the gut and if you have ever been in a no shit fist fight you will understand that a good first direct unexpected punch leaves you with a sensation of shitting yourself, puking and inability to breathe all at the same time. When you are able to breathe again you feel a surge of adrenaline and anger: I was now standing up in the middle of my living room.
“I would very much like to go out with you but tomorrow night I have plans with a friend” I tried to smile and soften my voice as I said it but I was feeling angry, stiff and outside of myself. “So how about Friday night, we could go see a movie and grab some dinner first” he said. I get it he wanted a date and a time but the only thing I could agree to was “it sounds like a great idea, just let me check with my husband first to make sure he had no plans and then I can say yes” I was a bit quick with the delivery but I wanted to get off the phone. He was not being pushy, he was not being anything but polite and attentive but it all had the potential to piss me off more which might make me angry at him and I am not. “I will call you back tomorrow night, till then have a good one and thanks for calling me back” sigh of relief as I hung up.
What the fuck was that about? I will tell you as best as I can. I realized that I need to meet a real fucking jerk first; someone that I know deserves my disdain and will offend me. No matter who I go out with first is going to stand no chance. I just know it. I am going to not like him on principle because he is not PC. So why put a really nice guy in that spot? It is not their fault but if I am going to experience the The Kübler-Ross hypothesis I would rather be aware that is what is taking place and shit on someone who probably deserves it: I am obviously in the ‘angry’ stage.
So what do I do next? I brush my hair and log in to AFF and throw up my cam. I am not there to jerk off online, strange guy cybersex does NOTHING for me, but there are hundreds of assholes for me to take out my anger on. Mature? No but it was what was available to me unlike some girls I don’t eat cookie dough ice cream while watching Steel Magnolia or some shit. I’m a fighter so I figure the virtual struggle is better than my actually putting my hands on some poor sod; angry I hate you sex has its place but that is not yet the point of the exercise.
I briefly considered inviting someone to show up but instead I began to formulate my battle ‘date’ plan.
Issue 1: Let’s agree that Alex is a good guy so far, I have already seen him in the flesh, he asked about my arrangement and though he has never been a party to one like it before he still asked me out. He is educated smart, funny and we have similar things in common blah blah blah. So long term picture he might hold potential for a FWB once PC is gone and I am ready to ‘date’ again but he cannot be the first guy I spent time with alone or I will resent him for it.
I am going to meet someone else fist – being married and dating is no different than being single and dating because you are going to have to go out on dates and be disappointed a lot before finding something with potential that ‘gets it’. So I am going to choose someone to meet first, I will probably disregard him for simply showing up and make up really lame excuses why it would never work: omg look at those shoes is he serious? But it is a process right? I know it is going to need to happen so I will start here.
I have sifted through the shady ads on Craigslist and got back more replies than emails I sent out – I think a couple of guys wrote me back with 2 different emails but I will look in there for the next few days and reply to any that I think would work out for either my first meet or for a date on the 23rd. Sex is not off the table but there are too many unknowns and I hate to script anything out.
I will continue to log into our couples profile on AFF – this makes things really easy because they can see me right away, I can usually see them, and it saves me from writing emails only to find they are married or have 12 toes. Chat is instant but that just means I move through the variables quicker because this is still a numbers game any way I want to slice it up.