Right now I am a little more than taken with the fact that I managed to get my Halo4 Spartan up several levels, kick ass armour , shields and quite a few medals and points that allow me to call in ordinance: all on my husband’s profile. Ugh. Bastard that I am, I want them on MINE! I mean I was so in the zone that after hand to hand combat with these two big huge horrible fuckers I needed a cigarette break and three whores!
I want my bloody medals on my chest dammit!
Tomorrow night I have a dinner date with Jim: we will call him Jim. Jim is my ‘I am going to hate him regardless’ Craigslist date. Friday is my date date with Alex.
Anyhow to tell you the truth I am not feeling much of anything right now, I am in my ‘this is just business’ part of my brain. Something that has to be done or that I need to do and really it could care less if it happens or not: like cleaning the toilet bowl.
PC has been ‘supportive’ but I am not entirely sure that is what I want from him. I do not need assistance getting laid or knowing that he is okay with it and I certainly do not need him being encouraging. Though he offered to get me ready for my ‘date’ I am not even feeling the desire for that to happen. If this were something we were doing together I would certainly love the idea of him ‘priming the pump’ as it were but it’s not so why bother.
I know he is being nice in offering me his friendship but if I were to accept it I believe I would have to stop seeing him as boyfriend and maybe that is the point. My husband doesn’t dirty talk me into a state of arousal before a date with PC nor does he ask details when I am done but I cannot be bothered to figure him/this out at the moment; I have more important aliens to slay.
I know most people are not so black and white, but I assure you that I spend enough of my time blurring the lines that this is all done for good reason. I have experience with this, PC does not nor does my husband. I am able to do this on my own but if the roles were reversed I think PC would understand that he would not seek my council on dating someone new. Not sure why he sees this as different. He has never offered up details or information about who he has fucked so I am not feeling inclined to accommodate him at the moment.
When you start dating (with a husband and a lover) there are some guys that get off on the dirty details, I can appreciate that but that is not the sort of relationship I tend to have: with my husband and my lover. Because I own my sexuality and it is not related to how men see me, accept me or take part in what I do, I still feel that this process is on some level private for me. Certainly I am writing about some of it in a blog but I am not talking it through with them. PC and me have casually touched on the subject and I find it leaves me feeling: sick and uncomfortable.
Certainly I can admit to a sense of trepidation; I do this exercise only to find out my initial gut instinct of waiting till PC is out of state was correct and then what? Resentment? Will PC’s current behaviour impact how I see him after my dates? Will my ‘this is business’ mindset stick till his last days here?
I had no problem involving PC when my husband and I went to the swingers club: I had PC choose what I wore but this is just different somehow. I think if I were feeling something I would have been put off that he suggest I take a picture of another man’s cock in my mouth and share it with him but I just let the comment slip by without saying anything because I’m not feeling anything: not even anger.
Even now I cannot come up with much to write except that I want my fucking medals.
I have some Rammstein to listen too while I kill everything in sight.