Something in the way

Pyx Picture

Pyx Picture

I am reaching the end of my patience, of which I have little to begin with. I have been angry for four weeks and I am tired of it: literally. For the first three weeks of whatever the fuck this is PC wanted to do all I did was sleep, not eat and feel sick to my stomach. I diagnosed myself with the flu, I have only had sex twice in four weeks and both were with my husband: my friend mocked me and said my heart was broken and I didn’t even know it but he was pleased to know I have one. I had to google the question to even entertain the idea he might be right.

You have to laugh because at least someone is getting entertainment out of this! Who the fuck has to google what a broken heart is – Pyx, that’s who and I am almost forty years old.

Currently I am in my not sleeping stage and this is usually when I do all my thinking and decision making. Something has to give because something is in my way and I want control back.

This (PC) seems to be a puzzle far too complex for me to solve and trying to do it on my own makes me want to toss the table.

I am unable to have a simple chat conversation with PC that does not end up with me feeling like I want to throw up, shit my pants, have a fever or with a stomach ace or headache all at the same time. Save one, Friday past we chatted and it was the way it used to be but tonight my gut went right back to feeling punched: he said nothing in particular to trigger this.

Something is just different because I want my boyfriend back and this doesn’t feel like him.

I love him very much but perhaps that why I find the whole endeavor perplexing. My logical brain is having a difficult time coming to a reasonable explanation as to why someone would encourage me to trust them with feelings, have them in the first place, let me love them and then put me in a situation that would require I not.

I have become highly suspicious that having ‘feelings’ is nothing more than a cruel game and the odds were stacked against me the whole time. Do some people feel a sense of victory, as though they had won when someone admits to having them and simply walk off? Logically this would appear to be the time in which one would covet what they have gained but then one could also argue it might not have been what they wanted at all.

My friend Donny is ringing in my head, he once told me ‘I never break up with girls, I just keep acting like an asshole till they dump me, that way it was their choice and they feel better about it’ but I give PC far more credit than to behave like this – I hope.

I am not even sure what the fuck I am feeling anymore other than my physical symptoms I am finding it terribly difficult to find the words to correspond with the sentiment. I am out of my realm of experience and want very much for it all to stop. I have a million questions that I think will help me resolve things but I am unable to have that conversation virtually and right now I do not see him and me having it in person any time soon.

The longer we don’t talk about it the more inclined I am to believing the worst things imaginable that come to mind and I don’t like that very much it feels wrong to think that way about him: right now my gut instinct say he was projecting, that having me go out/have sex with other guys was simply a way to relieve himself of possibly feeling guilt or accountable to me in any way because he has people he wants to have sex with.

That would not have bothered me, he is single and naturally he has always been available to fuck and date whatever he wants.

I am taking full responsibility for this one but now I have to google:

Can you no longer trust someone and not know it?

Can you love someone and not trust them?

Interesting… but whatever you do, do not leave a comment that you feel bad for me or something of the like, it will only piss me off more.

6 comments on “Something in the way

  1. mrmodigliani says:

    You have beautiful eyes 😉

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    I don’t feel badly for you; in fact, I find this kinda funny. I don’t think it’s possible to distrust someone and not be aware of it but it is possible to love someone and not trust them. These two things work best together but, as I say a lot, they’re not mutually inclusive. I loved my ex-wife with all my heart and soul… and I wouldn’t trust her any farther than I could throw her.

    A broken heart sounds like a proper diagnosis; it seems to me that you’re manifesting physical symptoms because you love PC and that he may be leaving is hitting you harder than perhaps you expected it to. Darling Pyx, just because someone’s leaving doesn’t mean you have to stop loving them – just nothing can be done about the way you feel… other than to accept it when they have to leave you.

    Love affects us in so many ways and, yeah, there are times when the worse thing you could do to someone is to love them… and it can be the worse thing one can do to themselves. But love, such as it is, is a part of our nature; some folks wind up finding it even when they’re trying hard not to let love touch their hearts because, yeah, love hurts as much as it feels good.

    I would imagine that you’d prefer to handle your business with other guys and the only thing you feel for them is incredible lust – it’s cleaner, easier to understand and when it’s time to move on, easier to detach yourself from. The fucked up thing about love is that when we don’t expect or want it in our lives, it shows up – and that’s fine because if you were incapable (or even really unwilling) of loving someone other than your husband, I’d wonder about you and not in a good way. If you didn’t think it was possible, well, I guess you’ve learned something. If you didn’t want to fall in love with him, too bad, sweetie, because love, more often than not, doesn’t give a flying fuck about what you don’t want to do.

    Nah, I don’t feel bad for you; I still see some humor in the situation but, importantly, this tells me that the iron maiden known as Pyx is really a lot more human and grown up than she lets on at times.

    And you do have beautiful eyes…

    • Pyx says:

      Well now I wish I had used my Iron Maiden picture – but thank you for the compliment about my eyes… you use the L word a lot in this comment! LOL

      I know I am capable of emotions and such things as love but I like keeping that circle small, on one hand if you will but he was certainly worth it if for nothing more than reaffirming my theory that I work best in threes – casual sex is wonderful and has its place but certainly in an emotional context 3 is fulfilling for me. I like that I took the chance, I like the way it happened and he is really a great person and I think I chose well.

      Actually I always knew the deal of his moving away and that is not what is bothering me – honestly it is sad and sucks but I do not feel this was something that was ever in my control. Timing is important here, and I feel THAT was somewhat in my control… excluding the impending move one has to also take into account physical/emotional distance… this might come out wrong so I am just going to free ball it okay?

      His potential to move was coming, the holiday season where I would not get to see him and I had made up my mind to NOT date other men till he left – if anything there is a lot of anger towards myself for knowing better that the timing was off and you know what I mean by that, it can wreak serious havoc with stuff. I did ask for his input and certainly he has his own reasons for wanting to have me date while he was still here (sincerely he thought it would help having his support as a friend) but it was important for me to try… when it failed the first thing I wanted was that physical/emotional distance to be breached but it wasn’t. I think he was already in the midst of trying his own thing and I can’t fault him for that – I became uncomfortable and that changed the dynamic. I turned down watching him masturbate on cam (one of my favourite treats when we are apart) because for two weeks it seemed as though he was encouraging me towards others…

      As an example if PC and Alex were an hour glass, there is no way to keep sand from one bubble and out of the other and it is nearly impossible to keep the sand equal to both parts. The more he encouraged me to fill the Alex bubble (or anyone else, alex is just an example) the less sand he had in his… right now I am about to just break the hourglass and keep all the sand for myself! lol

      Oh it is entertaining; I mean a grown woman having no clue as to what the hell is going on … but that is why I write about it because I find it an important part of my process. Of course I will miss him when he moves and I will always hold him in high regard but as I said before, I am losing my best friend and I do not stay friends with exes… why would I want to continue to feel his way every time we chat?!

      My friend N had a good laugh at the idea I had no idea that my flu was something else – he laughed harder when I had to google it – you are the smartest person I know and you didn’t realize it? I knew something you didn’t?!? I love that my friends can poke at me and make me laugh. All in good time this too shall pass and I will be back to norman (normal but it’s an inside joke) but it is written down for my own posterity – not that I needed a blog to remind me of how I am hurting.

      So Trips on Rocks also Trips on Heart… life would not be this splendid without it!

      • kdaddy23 says:

        I dunno, Pyx, I think I’d rather have a lover who has to leave encourage me to move on rather than to have them act like they didn’t give a shit about me and I didn’t mean anything more to them than just a piece of ass. You can ‘excuse’ the POA treatment for a one-time shot… but not after two people have been on each other’s menus for a lot of time.

        Of course, your blog title instantly reminded me of the Stephanie Mills song, “Something In the Way He Makes Me Feel” – do you know the song? If not, you should listen to it; I think you’d find the lyrics rather apropos…

        Woman, ya might be a lot of things… but normal ain’t one of them…

      • Pyx says:

        I must say that since you left this comment I ask him to make some time for me so we could just get the basics out of the way: I do not enjoy having ‘talks’ about such things over chat but his birthday is coming up and my fear was I could physically feel the same symptoms with him… or worse throw up on his shoes. I kind of wanted the conversation as least started so that birthday fun was not overshadowed with relationship talk… so that was good.

        He managed to explain himself very well and once he did it made perfect sense – and again I take some of this on myself but I was overlooking the simple fact that he too is in a sort of pre-mourning blahs. So we both agreed that the casual cool way of being ‘supportive’ was alienating and did neither of us any good. Phew, I feel like I just gave birth to a 120 lbs baby.

        The idea of having a supportive lover does sound nice in theory but it wasn’t in practice: he was miserable doing it and that wasn’t hidden well but I couldn’t pick up on it and instead I picked it up as him being distant and cold … shit im not a mind reader you know! LMAO I don’t pick up on subtlety on this thing, god I miss the days of having to do all of this face to face.

        It is unfortunate that as we learn by hurt but the good news is rarely do I repeat it again… I feel pretty confident we are both back on the same page and I am sure he will make me have the talk with him face to face because he loves it when I talk about ‘feelings’… because I am so bad at it.

        No I have not hear the song let me go and check that out! But you don’t get to make fun of me this time for not knowing it… *wink

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