I am reaching the end of my patience, of which I have little to begin with. I have been angry for four weeks and I am tired of it: literally. For the first three weeks of whatever the fuck this is PC wanted to do all I did was sleep, not eat and feel sick to my stomach. I diagnosed myself with the flu, I have only had sex twice in four weeks and both were with my husband: my friend mocked me and said my heart was broken and I didn’t even know it but he was pleased to know I have one. I had to google the question to even entertain the idea he might be right.
You have to laugh because at least someone is getting entertainment out of this! Who the fuck has to google what a broken heart is – Pyx, that’s who and I am almost forty years old.
Currently I am in my not sleeping stage and this is usually when I do all my thinking and decision making. Something has to give because something is in my way and I want control back.
This (PC) seems to be a puzzle far too complex for me to solve and trying to do it on my own makes me want to toss the table.
I am unable to have a simple chat conversation with PC that does not end up with me feeling like I want to throw up, shit my pants, have a fever or with a stomach ace or headache all at the same time. Save one, Friday past we chatted and it was the way it used to be but tonight my gut went right back to feeling punched: he said nothing in particular to trigger this.
Something is just different because I want my boyfriend back and this doesn’t feel like him.
I love him very much but perhaps that why I find the whole endeavor perplexing. My logical brain is having a difficult time coming to a reasonable explanation as to why someone would encourage me to trust them with feelings, have them in the first place, let me love them and then put me in a situation that would require I not.
I have become highly suspicious that having ‘feelings’ is nothing more than a cruel game and the odds were stacked against me the whole time. Do some people feel a sense of victory, as though they had won when someone admits to having them and simply walk off? Logically this would appear to be the time in which one would covet what they have gained but then one could also argue it might not have been what they wanted at all.
My friend Donny is ringing in my head, he once told me ‘I never break up with girls, I just keep acting like an asshole till they dump me, that way it was their choice and they feel better about it’ but I give PC far more credit than to behave like this – I hope.
I am not even sure what the fuck I am feeling anymore other than my physical symptoms I am finding it terribly difficult to find the words to correspond with the sentiment. I am out of my realm of experience and want very much for it all to stop. I have a million questions that I think will help me resolve things but I am unable to have that conversation virtually and right now I do not see him and me having it in person any time soon.
The longer we don’t talk about it the more inclined I am to believing the worst things imaginable that come to mind and I don’t like that very much it feels wrong to think that way about him: right now my gut instinct say he was projecting, that having me go out/have sex with other guys was simply a way to relieve himself of possibly feeling guilt or accountable to me in any way because he has people he wants to have sex with.
That would not have bothered me, he is single and naturally he has always been available to fuck and date whatever he wants.
I am taking full responsibility for this one but now I have to google:
Can you no longer trust someone and not know it?
Can you love someone and not trust them?
Interesting… but whatever you do, do not leave a comment that you feel bad for me or something of the like, it will only piss me off more.