I am…


Emotionally it has been one set of bad news after the other – mind you it could always be worse – but I find that I am often ill prepared to deal with other people’s expectations of emotions. It is not that I completely lack emotion but truly when faced with a situation where I am unable to do anything … why do something just for the sake of appearing that I am?

Having a teenage girl in the house, though she has not demanded anything of me, is draining. I am out of practice and clearly not equipped to handle the roller coaster that is online facebook life of a teenage girl by today’s standard. I have so rarely kept the company of other females because watching them go from happy to bawling their eyes out in zero to sixty seconds flat is confusing. My question of ‘why are you upset?’ was met with ‘it’s nothing’ and my suggestion of ‘turn the fucking thing off and step away from the computer’ registered at the ultimate offence. Sigh, I truly feel for the future of humanity lest they find themselves devoid of actual same room experiences with other human beings – including being upset.

PC has remained relatively silent these past couple  months- minus his birthday evening out – but otherwise I am simply following his lead though I keep my disappointment to myself. It was wonderful to have him here with my family on Christmas day as I enjoy his company but I have to admit I still feel put off and strange in his regard. I was desperate for his companionship when I got my double dose of bad news but he never made mention of my message. I did not regret asking him for a moment of his time nor do I hold any anger towards him for overlooking any concern – I did however make a point of reminding myself that this is why I tend to keep to myself.

Unfortunately for me Alex called to arrange my cutting his grandfather’s hair and one thing lead to another – I confided my bad news to him. It was uncomfortable talking this way with a perfect stranger but he presents genuine interest  and was rather insistent with being supportive any way he could. I chose instead of a visit, which I put off hair cutting for a later date, for a nice online game of scrabble (though it is not called scrabble) to which we chatted through my whipping his ass. He was then so taken as to download yahoo and we laughed some time away on that – the games have become regular but when I am not playing I have removed myself from getting involved: I am not yet prepared to make a move till PC is completely removed, Alex still makes me feel as though I am cheating.

As for my non existent sex life – well that is it really. I have not had sex for almost a month and it is killing me during my ovulating cycle. Alex invited me out for new year’s eve and I was far too tempted. I certainly understand my husband’s disposition to NOT having sex while we have teenage company but those random anonymous sexual encounters are ever calling my name. I get it, I get it, you guys have a bed at home so why fuck in a car or out in the wood someplace but the pussy wants what it wants and I have secretly toyed with the idea of meeting someone for a bit of a romp in the woods. Nothing long and drawn out, nothing tender and sweet, nothing terribly intimate and lots of kissing – more like a physical collision that leaves one with whiplash – quick and to the point would be great.

I have assured myself I will be making up for this lack of sex come new year – when my guest has departed – and if it involves several men at once so be it. Perhaps 2014 should be the year of the foursome, forget wasting time trying to find compatible couples and the ever mystical single female because I am pretty sure I am going to have to import another Canadian female like myself in order for any of those fantasies to come to life but right now I am just too exhausted.






8 comments on “I am…

  1. 'Tis says:

    Emotional exhaustion I am convinced is far worse than the physical form, because it in of itself has the capability to physically shut me down as well. Whereas I may be bone tired from a hard day’s work but can be left with a feeling of satisfaction because of my efforts.

    But then add a teenager to the mix and one of the female variety and well…. let me just say I know you are not one for sympathies, but you have mine. See I have one of those creatures at home as well. I’ll admit I prayed for another boy when she was in utero. I don’t do women well either, and in that I mean their emotions. I just for lack of a better way to put it was I believe born without the drama gene.

    Who cares what other people think? Why does it bother you so much what kind of shoes she wears? If you have problems with someone then tell them. I raised you to have a voice and use it in a way that was intelligent and not confrontational. Yes, I need to know if your bras are still fitting properly. You will thank me later in life for the support I am providing them now. And on, and on, and on.

    And I say all of this and am exhausted by it knowing I am actually truly blessed with this one, because like most other girls her age she is low key and is more into anime and reading than designer jeans and boys. But, she got the drama gene none the less and I have a hard time navigating that one.

    Sorry that turned into a little venting session of my own there. Let me say this, I hope all in all you are enjoying your nieces visit and that sex will be returning to the Chateau sooner than later. Even if its up against a tree in the woods.

    • Pyx says:

      You are so cool – I understand very well the need to sometimes ‘vent’ because it truly does take a village and that village needs several pubs and friends to drink with.

      Yeah S is very much into her anime and graphic designing – she is relatively low key as well except that this seems to be the age where boys are noticing her and perhaps it is leading to confusion on her part? I don’t know, she doesn’t say much but I am a bit disturbed that someone this age is in anguish over a boy in Dublin that she has never met. Know what I mean? As if falling in love for the first time isn’t complicated enough but add online to that? My old lady brain doesn’t get it… at least she is international, travels a lot with her father and is going to EU for some art school but still, it seems more heartache and tears than it is worth.

      Sex will be back in house come the seventh – she leaves on the sixth LOL it is so frustrating because I got PC an adult gift but it was not as though I could pull it out and give it to him around everyone, so here I am sitting on it, wrapped, and fantasizing about using it… he returns home from holiday after the tenth. Ugh…

      I have some time to catch up on what you have been doing but happy new year to you and yours!

      • 'Tis says:

        Several Pubs indeed and I’m very happy that they are building one within walking distance of my humble abode. Actually, that might turn out to be dangerous. To become a regular somewhere, hmmmm this thought never crossed my mind but that’s exactly what is could turn into….

        Jeesh, off topic again. It must be because I’m ovulating. Yes, that is what I will blame it on and that being said I feel for you during that time since I am all too aware of the increased drive that happens during that time.

        I know exactly what you mean about boys noticing. My daughter looks way too old for her age and it scares the hell out of me. I did catch her a couple months ago on one of those online sites where they randomly match you up with people of liked interests to chat with and then you get to “Role Play” online. I just about DIED! WTF???? Do you mean Role Play????? Well she had the entire chat history up that I could read and they were basically going back and forth writing a screen play, creating characters, blah, blah, blah! All Anime related of course! Just goes to show how different the meaning of “Role Play” can be between generations or ages. Didn’t matter how talented and impressed I was with her creative writing skills I still shut it down. There are something’s at her age I just can’t agree to yet and she may have been unhappy at the time but she knew better.

        Although, she was a very happy camper today. We went Goodwill hunting for the makings of an outfit of one her favorite characters to dress up as for an upcoming Anime convention and she was able to find everything but a few notions at one store. All for under $25 compared to the $200 they wanted for the costume online. Needless to say she was beaming and it helps feed her creative side.

        You are a very patient woman Pyx. Although there is something to be said for the length of time you’ll have had to fantasize about your gift for PC. Sometimes the waiting heightens the experience even more….. :D:D

        Happy New Years to you and yours as well!


  2. kdaddy23 says:

    Poor baby… here’s a hug for ya!

    • Pyx says:

      HA! You know what, I am going to take that hug actually. I hate that I can not fix everything for everyone but I am not a doctor and I really just want everyone to come out the other end okay… but even that is not much of an option sometimes.

      I love very few people but those that I do I am extreme protective over … but tis’ life and still a beautiful one.

      happy new year Kdaddy

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