After the fact: BDSM and kinky sex

BDSM-practioners-don't feel-pleasure

 

“questions about what constitutes consent between partners in sexual activities that involve dominance and submission”

You can read the particulars if you want but the gist of this story is – he said she said after the fact and how it can cause you to lose everything.

Look I am the last person to tell someone what to do. If you aren’t asking me to lend you money or give a shit, I don’t care beyond a general concern for our rights and freedoms. From personal experience, having been doing this kink thing for as long as I can remember, these results are to me not a warning but a reminder. And people like me are scrutinized when it gets into the press that kink has gone bad.

Kink is great, sex is great, and everything in between but try and throw in casual, one night stands and emotions in the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. As most readers will know I enjoy a bit o violence with my sex but that does not mean with just anyone and that doesn’t mean it is a guarantee on any given sexual encounter.

What some people might overlook slightly or perhaps not fully comprehend is that kink is not only physical but emotional: we are often dealing with instances of humiliation and wrapping our fingers around how a person feels. Fantasies are strong and when you meet someone that has this perfect fantasy of how they want things to be in their head, the reality of it rarely matches up and it can get ugly fast. This is no one’s fault really but it does not mean someone cannot be blamed for disappointing someone.

We are talking about sex at a rapid rate with people we do not know; it seems to be one of the first conversations people are having via text and emails. I am eternally grateful to all the boys and girls that are willing to get their freak on in the first meeting and move along without complaint or simply keep it to themselves. However that does not mean this is the common mode of operation nor should it be. I do not think people should be expected or so willing to share the most precious things about themselves right away – if kink is truly a meaningful and binding agreement via trusting another person than why treat it so casually?

Some of the self proclaimed kink gurus will tell you about aftercare, respect, and the importance of communication. What none of them ever discuss is selection – how do we select or decide that someone we have just met is capable of handling this intense sexual experience rather quickly or shortly after introduction. Why is it none of these online Mistresses and Master of kink virtue ever discuss saying NO, waiting, or simple unwillingness to jump right in and start messing with someone’s head.

Think for a moment about all the blogs filled with advice that has been doled out a million times over, most of the time not from firsthand experience, the pictures of perfectly bound submissives, and erotic stories of fantasy about intentions and the entries of successful encounters.  They are adding to the idea that what we do can be achieved with perfection, that a sexual top is better than another, that somehow the tools we use, belts, cuffs, boots, and rope make us who we are. Failure makes us who we are and as much as I can appreciate ego there is only so much room for it in kink – submissive or dominant. Kink is not a picture. Kink is not a tear away bodice ripper story to read at night. Kink is not the clothing they wear. Kink is about manipulation and that does not go away as quickly as a hard on, it lingers for hours, days, weeks and months. When he or she is gone and the ropes are put away kink, that thing we FEEL, is always there.

We take people at their word but inevitably, as this story shows, we can also be held accountable after the fact. If someone proclaims themselves all knowing and wise in the ways of kink, how is it we have people who are left feeling violated? Well for a lot of us violation, humiliation and abuse IS the play – that is what we do because that is what the other person signed up for. To explain it to non kink people can be difficult but let me say this – no matter what we ask another human being to do to us in the bedroom does not take into account how the human brain is going to filter this information: this includes trauma.

No amount of safe words will guarantee your physical or mental safety, no ‘talk’ about sex is consent. There are no legally binding contracts here what we do is messy in that it can change a person at their very foundation: it can damage them, it can give them confidence and it can also be used against us. Sex is vulnerability no matter if kink is involved or not so it still surprises me that some people continue to engage in it so casually.

I know a lot of people want a guarantee with sex, especially kinky sex, but that is never going to happen. If you are expecting that you are only agreeing to set yourself up for failure. You can talk about it all you want, you can agree and set boundaries but the fundamental principles of what we do with kink is for us to push those limits. Only after it is all done we will know if that person can handle it and that is what makes kink truly risky. There are no words I look for, there are no particular personalities that are better suited than others because kink is such wide variety I believe there is a kinky someone out there for everyone.

My kink is not the same as yours and that is what makes it truly pleasurable and why I value it and the people I involve. The only way I have been able to have good successful encounters is time: it is not erotic chatting, it is not sexy pictures, it is not a blog, it is not measured in time spent sending emails. Time for me is measured by being in the same room with each other. A slower approach than some, yes, but why would I not take time and find out for myself if I and they can handle simple bindings before I run into full breathe play? Nothing this important need be rushed no matter how bad we want it and my ego is not so big as to admit that I am unwilling to jump right in to your most prized possession: your submission.

 

5 comments on “After the fact: BDSM and kinky sex

  1. 'Tis says:

    Pyx you have such a way about you. I love reading intelligent pieces and opinions and you never fail in what you share. You have a wisdom that is rare, I can tell it goes deeper than that of a life lived.

    There was one section here in particular that really stuck out to me and that was “…Failure makes us who we are and as much as I can appreciate ego there is only so much room for it in kink – submissive or dominant. Kink is not a picture. Kink is not a tear away bodice ripper story to read at night. Kink is not the clothing they wear. Kink is about manipulation and that does not go away as quickly as a hard on, it lingers for hours, days, weeks and months. When he or she is gone and the ropes are put away kink, that thing we FEEL, is always there.”

    You were able to tap into a thought and feeling I didn’t know how to express myself especially with that last sentence and this has been some great food for thought. Thank you

    xo

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    I liked this and it’s quite telling because there are so many people who want to just dive into the kink BDSM provides without really thinking about how and why shit can go wrong. I know I don’t have the right mindset for this particular kink so I’d avoid anything that remotely looks like it; I know that, for me, it’s not about a lack of trust or control but I know that I could seriously get off being dominant in that sense and I know too many ways to fuck with someone’s mind that wouldn’t make any of it a fun thing to do. It’s a part of my dark side but I wonder how many people have a similar dark side, get into this, and not realize how things can go sideways.

    Good thing there are people like you to explain it, Pyx.

  3. mscurveball says:

    It’s been a while, and I missed the way you write. I can read like a madwoman, almost catch words half way and inhale whole books, but with you I slow down and it’s almost as if I can hear you speak. Calm, collected, introspective and mindbogglingly sexy – it might as well be well past midnight, low lights, candles, smoke and wine, though your words taste more like islay scotch.

    Welcome back to the northern land! If only you were closer, and if only I wouldn’t think of it as such an imposition on privacy, and if not for the terrible shyness… but it’s nice for me to think that maybe one day I would find myself in the same room as you. And then I am sure it would be past midnight, and there would be wine, and I wonder if you sound in real life the way you do in my head.

    Thank you for writing.

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