Q: My boyfriend insists on trying to go down on me everytime we have sex and I do not enjoy it but he refuses to believe this. How can I make him understand that most of the time I am not ready for it?
A: Well you could make him sit and watch 300 hours of tampon, pad, vaginal wipes, and douche commercials and he might begin to question just what the fuck is going on down there like we do. Guys do not get up and run to take a shower while we are pulling them out so you really have to think on this; why is it you stop him from doing so? Why are you not ready – your pussy is always with you…? He wants to be there but first we have to get you to want him there.
Men did not grow up being told it is a dirty place that needs all this assistance and upkeep to be considered clean: the words associated with vaginal care in commercials are imprinted on us from such an early age, long before we even understand what it is we have. We grew up believing that our pussy is not fresh, clean, Ph balanced unless we have gone through the various methods of care: this mental block is all on you and it will take some time to get over.
Men on the other hand are like sailors – it is their goal to reach that unconquered land or at least able to say they were there. So you are going to have to prepare yourself to let go and give it a try: stop watching those stupid commercials, I don’t care if you turn the channel every time one comes on, they are pure evil. So eat well and care for yourself down there: cut down on the amount of soap you are using to scrub at the poor thing, rinse, lots of water and feel around with your bare hands while you do so you get a mental map if you do not already have one. Cloths/puffs/sponges are abrasive and soap agitates but this does not mean you have to run out and buy special soap.
You have to stop thinking of it as a dirty place or that you need to run and shower for 20 minutes before he can go down on you – start to explore it yourself and understand the magnificent thing it is. Using your bare hands will give you a greater understanding of your body, in doing so you will begin to appreciate the mechanics – tenderness, sensation, touching, folds, warmth, lubrication.
If you have not started a douche regiment do not start one now – if you do douche regularly try and find ways to wean yourself off this routine: your body needs to do things for itself and that includes different mucus and secretions that are being washed away with a douche and over time your body becomes dependent on the douche. It is like a horrible chapstick addiction your body can no longer function without it.
When you go to the bathroom take a moment to look at the tissue paper, this is important for a variety of reasons but most importantly … smell it. No one is going to know but this will give you a great idea of what your body is doing and what stages of natural cycle you are in: at different times of the month things will smell and look different. DO NOT GOOGLE vaginal symptoms unless you believe you have an infection and go see a doctor if there are extremes discoloration/scent. Becoming acquainted with your own scent is very important in female health, remember this is not something that is dirty or gross, this is your body and it is a magnificent thing. Your body is telling you things but you have to be there to notice.
Now this part is most important and I want you to think of all the times you have fucked someone and then gone down on him during or after: taste yourself. It is no different than tasting yourself on his cock, doing it yourself now and then will give you a pretty good idea of how scent and taste are linked. The information from doing this goes directly to pussy confidence: you will know you taste good, that sometimes even though things might smell like bleach down there, it does not impeded the satisfaction he will get from eating you out because it doesn’t taste like bleach. It will also help you cope with the idea of him eating you out because you have tasted it. I usually do this in the shower or while I am on the toilet by inserting a finger: I like how I taste, I like the way I taste I on my guys face when he kisses me after eating me out and I love love love the way I taste on his cock.
And I am going to tell you a huge secret: after a shower during the day, later on in the evening, after a sniff at the tissue and a little taste, the idea that I NEED a shower before we have sex has never been much of an issue for me. Hell there have been times after I have done the taste test I have made a point of him going down on me!
I am pretty sure once you get comfortable and are able to enjoy it he will stop. They always do…