I have always considered myself very fortunate to have lovers and partners that were my greatest ally and confidant. I have great difficult opening up and trusting someone with all of me, but the five times I have, I found it to be a most rewarding experience; I managed to attain a level of contentment that allowed me the opportunity to express my otherwise protected passions and self.
With that said I admit that given this rare personal occurrence of ultimate confidence in someone else the risk of my being disappointed is most assured. I also know I have disappointed others but without having experienced this kind of loss how else am I to appreciate the value of something divine when it is presented to me.
There are still times where I wake up in the middle of a dream and find myself angry at the Good Doctor and feeling betrayed but I force myself back to sleep and choose to remember a good memory of him so that I can go about the rest of my day without anger in my lungs. More importantly so I can go about the rest of my life in peace and not making my new partner pay for the sins of the past.
Once I have committed myself to someone a part of them is with me forever, even once they are physically and emotionally gone I keep a piece of them tucked away safely in my pocket. I have to work at keeping the good parts of them; something that makes me smile, something that makes me blush, something that reminds me of why I loved them to begin with.
Sometimes there are mornings when I am taking my coffee outside, watching the sun come up over the tree line, that I will let myself remember the whole memory of them of us; for a handful of seconds I will love them unconditionally, acknowledge the hurt and let myself miss them.
And just like that the sun is up, a new day begins with a smile and a renewed commitment to let myself love someone else all over again; ardently and with wild abandon because to not do so is to deny myself fulfillment and why would I do that.