Blondine has been my friend for some time, if I believed in a best friend forever I would have to bestow that honour on her, she is consistent, doesn’t bug me, is forgiving and man the girl still has a level of innocence that just warms the heart. If I were closer I would be far more inclined to be protective, however I am better not being a daily influence and the amazing person she is today is not a byproduct of anything other than her own doing. I am proud of her.
It is no wonder then that I find Blondine above all others more worthy of sharing my Iroquois Warrior with. I say sharing in a way that one would with a dress or toy, I still have to work at considering people’s feelings because a part of me still thinks that I should be able to order sex like a pizza and have it delivered and worse, that people are here for my amusement. I have impulses that will put me in the midst of a fleshy negotiation between adults and it is not even my flesh on the line.
When someone admits they like to watch, I smile, I like to watch too but what I love more than that is the orchestrating and negotiating before it comes down to being played out. I know it makes me sound like a director but I really am not, more a facilitator, finding two compatible people that if it were not for me would otherwise not meet. I want to witness what takes shape, not direct what should happen and though I do not own either being in a sense I want to be the creator of putting two people together; look at what I did!
Everytime My Iroquois re-arranges my insides I am filled with a deep desire to witness him destroy someone else. Why does Blondine come to mind – she’s a good girl still with some purity to her. Maybe that is it, not in a demeaning way, but to honour the fact that she is nothing like me, not jaded, not suspicious, the best way to do that justice is to have it swallow something I see as deliciously destructive and dangerous. The very things I cannot offer him she could and what I could never give my deserving friend he has. It would be silly to ignore that we mix media when it comes to entertainment; Barbie can live in a Lego house non?
I started negotiations before asking anyone if it was okay but in my defense I really didn’t need too, I know them as well as I need. I have had to be honest with myself in a very logical way that watching her with him will ignite my predisposition to being territorial – now let’s not think of this in a negative way or in terms of jealousy, but rather in the context of my open marriage even my husband marks what is his after someone else has borrowed it. In this scenario of sharing the Iroquois is mine and if anyone can handle the required sex (remarking territory) after doing so it would be him. They both seem to understand this as I have communicated it with them. I am also honest enough to say that it might further a desire to see him do it again and differently with something else.
Blondine, not sure why I keep wanting to pimp out my friend because this is not the first time. I have spent time with these guys so they are safe, fun and I know I can disappear them if they hurt her but she’s by no means vulnerable accept emotionally; she has more feelings than I do. Maybe in some fucked up way I am trying to make up for not being softer and sweeter by offering her up but it is more likely that it has been some time since I have fed this part of myself.
If Blondine saw herself the way I do, all that she is and worthy of, I think sharing this way is beneficial – for her sake and for our own. Female to female bonding is difficult but we are not in competition here and in forging a real tangible example of sharing an experience this is one is ours. This is just as much about me, I enjoy nothing more than sitting back and having the evidence that I was right and yes it would be terribly hot to do because I would be watching. She will have fun and know exactly what she does and doesn’t want, nor is this just about sex but having someone hold your hand while you figure that out, unconditionally, is what friends are for.
Now the most difficult part; timing.